Moses and the Deep Red Sea

NARRATOR

One day in ancient Egypt, around the last week in April, a Jewish family produced a son named Moses. Around the same period of time a Druzish family produced a daughter named Zipporah. Zipporah grew up healthy and beautiful, but Egyptians enjoyed killing Jewish babies like Moses, and Pharaoh had ordered midwives to stop helping Jewish women give birth. 

PHARAOH
No more surrogate mothers.

MIDWIFE
Okay, Pharaoh.

NARRATOR
So Moses' mother, Jochebed, had an idea.

JOCHEBED
Let's put these poor little cuties in a basket, drop them in the Nile,  and pretend they're Egyptian.  Someone will save them. (I hope.)

NARRATOR
And guess what! At that very moment, Pharaoh's daughter, Batya, happened to be walking by the riverside, thinking about what gown she wanted her Daddy to buy her for the Senior Prom.

BATYA
What's this? A baby in the river. In a cute Nikki's basket. I think I'll take it home.

NARRATOR
She took the Moses baby home, changed its diapers, fed and reared it, even though some people always suspected the baby was really hers.

Scene 2

NARRATOR
One day, when he was all grown up, Moses was walking by the river, getting a little tan, when he ran into this older woman--his real sister, Miriam.

MIRIAM
You look just like a brother I once had. In fact, you are the brother I once had. Isn't your name Moses?

MOSES
How did you know?

MIRIAM
Because you've got that rare belly button thing, known as an outie.

MOSES
It's a wise child that knows her own brother, but it's an even wiser child who knows her own brother's belly button.

MIRIAM
And you know what else? You're Jewish.

MOSES
Wow! Does that mean I get to receive cool bar mitzvah presents like initialed handkerchiefs?

Scene 3

NARRATOR
Moses visits the Pyramids and sees hieroglyphics of Pharaoh ordering Jews to be drowned in the river. The next day he comes upon an Egyptian whipping a Jewish slave. He slays the man and runs away to the desert.   There he sees a beautiful young girl named Zipporah.

MOSES
Let me help you draw some water from the well.

ZIPPORAH
Why, thank you. My, you got big muscles.

MALE MOSES 
You think I got big muscles?

ZIPPORAH
And smart, too.

MOSES
Let's get married.

ZIPPORAHS
Why not? But I'd better introduce you to my father, Jethro, first.

JETHRO
Why are you bringing this goy into my house?

ZIPPORAH
Because he brought me water from the well. And also wants to marry me.

JETHRO
I've got seven daughters and sons to get off my hands, so I like that offer. But he's not Jewish, is he?

MOSES
I like pickled herring and rude waiters.

JETHRO
Well, he must have Jewish blood somewhere.

NARRATOR
Zipporah and Moses get married, and have two sons, Gershon and Eliezer. But God was angry at Zipporah.

GOD
Anyone born in your house better be circumcised, or I'll kill him.

ZIPPORAHS
Please don't kill my spouse and children. I don't have a kitchen knife.

GOD
Then try this broken rock.

NARRATOR
And she circumcised Gershon and Eliezer with the sharp stone, and touched Moses' feet with it.

ZIPPORAHS
Now you are a husband of blood.

MOSES
Great. But what's that smell?

ZIPPORAHS
What smell?

MOSES
Ashes! It's a burning bush.

BURNING BUSH
Hi, Moses. Will you guys do me and yourselves a big favor?

MOSES
It's a talking burning bush.

BURNING BUSH
Go to the Pharaoh and tell him, "Let my people go."

ZIPPORAH
Anything for a burning bush.

GOD
Actually, my name is God. A burning bush is just one of my characters. I also do a pillar of fire. And I do great thunder. Now go to this wicked Pharaoh and tell him "Let my people go." And try not to sing it in that fake African-American basso. Or else something really nasty is going to happen.

MOSES
Good idea. (To the Pharaoh) Hey, Pharaoh, you'd better let our people go, or else you're going to get some really nasty plagues.

PHARAOH
Oh yeah? Like what?

GOD
Blood, frogs, mice, wild animals, toenail fungus, dirty fingernails, pimples, hemmohoids, heartburn, and smelly armpits. 

PHARAOH
Who cares.

GOD
Let the plagues begin. Ending with the death of all Egyptian first-born.

PHARAOH
All right, let the Jews go. Chase them into the Red Sea.


ACT II, SCENE 1

NARRATOR
The Jews are chased into the Red Sea. But God raises his staff and, lo, the seas part.

SCARED LITTLE GIRL
I'm a scared little girl. 

RED SEA
Don't be frightened. I'm parting my sea so you Jews can get to the other side.

MOSES
What's on the other side?

GOD
Saudi Arabia.

MOSES
And that's an improvement?

GOD
For that snide remark you're going to wander the desert  for forty years, and never get into the Promised Land.

MOSES
Forty years is a long time.

GOD
Just a few years longer than this Seder. But the matzo ball soup is coming soon.

THE OTHER JEWS
Hooray!

GOD
Then gefilte fish.

OTHER JEWS
Hooray!

GOD
And bitter herbs.

OTHER JEWS
Oy!

MIRIAM
Sing the praise of God for saving us from the Egyptians, the Red Sea, and water-clogged ears.

ALL
Hosanna. Hosanna. Hosanna. 

    ZIPPORAH
A hose on you? This story is already too full of cold water. 

GOD
I think it's too full of hot air.

CURTAIN