So anyway, I turn my back on the news for a few days of sun and fun, and when I come back, everybody's talking about contaminated Muslim eggs at Ground Zero.
"Islamic Salmonella," they're calling it, and you can absolutely understand why it's got people so upset. After all, what's more American than eggs? This country was built on eggs! And the very idea that foreign chickens -- terrorist chickens! -- would try to infiltrate themselves into our food supply and drop their eggs on such hollowed ground --
No way. That's what people are saying: No way.
And they're not just saying it -- they're shouting it. They're even having demonstrations about it, with signs. And on certain cable channels, of course, contaminated Muslim eggs at Ground Zero is this week's scandal of the century.
Did you ever hear of Saladin? The famous Muslim warrior from the Crusades?
Well, what word that means "poisonous food" starts with the same three letters as "Saladin"? Exactly.
I hadn't even thought of it before, but it makes perfect sense: "Salmonella" as a secret Muslim weapon -- a weapon of mass diarrhea. It goes back centuries, and now they're using it right here and now on patriotic Americans!
And then to hear how there are all these diners and luncheonettes in New York, some of them within a few short blocks of the hollowed ground, and how they've been serving these contaminated Muslim eggs to their customers for months -- of course people are upset. (And not just their stomachs, either.)
But it's all part of the plot. If people get scared about eggs, they'll stop ordering meals that are made with eggs. And what are some of the most popular meals made with eggs? Bacon and eggs. Ham and eggs. Sausage and eggs. And what religion doesn't eat pork? What religion totally forbids eating things like bacon and ham and sausage?
Exactly. See how it all fits together?
That would be bad enough, but it gets worse. Much worse. Because now -- according to certain cable channels, anyway -- it looks like the contaminated Muslim eggs at Ground Zero conspiracy goes straight to the White House. To the Oval Office!
After all, somebody had to approve moving all that poultry into position. Somebody had to make sure that the distribution channels -- all the ships and trucks and refrigerated railroad cars -- were in the right place at the right time, and that the government's health and safety inspectors didn't have a chance to find out what was going on and blow the whistle on the whole thing.
And who's in a better position to do all that than someone in the Oval Office? Someone who claims to be the legally elected President of the United States, but who doesn't really have America's best interests at heart?
I admit it -- that part was hard to swallow at first. Until certain cable channels pulled out their best piece of evidence: the Muslim chickens themselves. On videotape.
Did you ever hear chickens squawking?
"BOK! BokBokBokBOK! BOK! BokBokBokBOK!"
That's what I thought, too. But what if they're really saying "BarACK! BarackBarACK! BarACK! BarackBarACK!"?
That changes everything, doesn't it? How much more proof do you need? You can actually hear the contaminated Muslim terrorist chickens chanting the name of their secret human leader! The Plotter in Chief!
And until I turned the TV on, I didn't know any of this.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at email@example.com.