Mother, a role, a job, an identity, a word that conjures up so many meanings. “I can't do it all,” is a common phrase I hear from mothers in both practice and my personal life, feeling overwhelmed by their conflicting roles.
It is a fragmenting experience to be a mother today, difficult to be everything to everyone, let alone to herself. Aside from the external pressures, there are so many internal expectations. A woman exasperated used the following scenario to describe her experience, while at a closing of a house for my client, the hospital called notifying me that my 16-year-old had an accident and needed stitches. At the same time, my daughter texted asking, “what’s for dinner”? Just like so many mothers, trying to stretch to meet everyone’s need, simultaneously leaving themselves contorted.
Mothering is a role driven from the psychological echoes or reverberations of one’s own mother, which gives added dimension to the feelings about the role. Many feel like this experience is akin to being pulled by the undertows of the ocean. As a result, women have different reactions to motherhood; some may jump in, some may avoid, others cautiously enter the ocean/motherhood, going slowly, or perhaps only going in knee deep…. avoiding real depth. All variations and reactions to motherhood embody memories inherent and reminiscent to their own childhood.
Donald Winnicott, the late psychoanalyst, coined the phrase “good enough mother.” What does this mean to be a good enough mother? Motherhood rarely ceases to demand energy, patience, contorting, and most importantly, thick skin.
From the moment a woman discovers she will be a mom, the pressure and expectations begin. Yet there are so many internal expectations. My experience tells me that mothers rarely feel “good enough” unless they have sacrificed other aspects of their lives and wishes. For the rare mother, who felt nurtured as a youngster, they can possess internal strength, flexibility and balance, thus giving without resentment or deprivation.
First time mothers are a target for scrutiny. From breast fed to bottle, from sleep habits to sleep training, from stay at home to back to work, new moms are judged. At a time that is so overwhelming both physically and psychologically, moms are criticized for their caretaking, parenting and intimate decisions.
If motherhood were not difficult enough, many mothers need to make a living, as if raising children were not a full-time job? For some, motherhood may feel like an interruption to their hard-earned profession and years of schooling. How can a mother possibly feel balanced? These dilemmas and conflicts go beyond practicalities and are parallel to mothers’ intense internal dilemmas. Psychologically moms rarely feel they are satisfied with their performance as a mother. Some feel they are limited by their external circumstances and other mothers by their emotional voids. Wholeness and peace are rarely words that mothers feel, despite their dedication and love for their children.
What other job requires a person to be on demand 24-7? This is particularly difficult depending on the mother’s history, current circumstances, and temperament. Motherhood means a transition away from being a child into being your child’s mother, which for some may feel simple, but for others not such a smooth transition.
Now fast forward to the adolescent years…
As if the scrutiny mothers do to themselves were not enough, they can look forward to their children’s criticism as these babies turn teen. These same sweet toddlers go from the word “no”, to the words “I can't wait to move out,” all a transition toward autonomy and separation.
What is not accepted by mother’s themselves or others is that mothers must put their life vest on first or they cannot assist their offspring. In my clinical experience, many mothers spend much time experiencing guilt and regret forcing themselves to bend and contort leaving them spineless. Many people long for a kind of unrequited love stemming from their unmet childhood needs and the wish to fill in the gaps. This “lacking” or “longing” gets churned up by the very nature of having your own kids.
Bend don’t break for Mother’s Day, consider these 3 tips.
1. Assess
Assess whether you are parenting from guilt (contorting) versus parenting from good posture
2. Awareness
Become aware of your own boundaries and recognize your own signals before being stretched too far
3. Acceptance
Accept your own shortcomings, balance flexibility and discipline as a mother
My Mother’s Day wish is for all mothers to feel appreciated, understood and accepted of the challenges posed by motherhood. Please visit and connect with me at http://marylandpsychotherapist.com/