On a flight home with my family, my daughter asked for gum about 36 times and spilled her trail mix more than once because she was trying to only fish out the M&Ms. My son played with the window so much, his finger got stuck in it… and then howled in pain. One of the two spilled a whole box of chocolate milk on me. Of our two fur babies - yes I said two - one started barking before take off – and this was after her tranquilizer. The other dog is blind and has no idea he’s thousands of feet above ground. Thank God there’s Husband, my travel hero.
With the subject of awful traveling companions and heroes on my mind, I started to think about what terrible companions they would make. Perhaps, worse than kids. Don’t think so… here’s what I came up with.
BRAVEHEART
First, he’d never get through security with all the blue face paint in his carry-on because you know it’d be over 4 ounces! I would hate to be the flight attendant who told him he didn’t have the freedom to move about the cabin and could you imagine the dramatics if he was the passenger they had to bump? They can take my seat but they’ll never take my... No thanks, Will.
THE TERMINATOR
The Terminator takes his responsibilities very seriously and never sways from the mission at hand – unless you re-program him or something – so I’m sure he would be reliable as far as booking reservations and being on time but who wants to have a lengthy conversation on a long flight with this monotone guy. And I could only imagine how annoying him saying, “I’ll be back” would be every single time he went to the bathroom. Plus, I’m not sure how we’d explain him at the metal detectors.
JOHN MCCLANE
No one loves a Die Hard movie more than me and I know if there’s something going down that I’d want John shooting himself through his own shoulder (because he has indeed done that before) to save my life but this guy can’t seem to get into a car or helicopter or train or airport or plane, or elevator for that matter, without getting it shot up. I mean, traveling is hard enough without having to worry about getting blown up.
LARA CROFT
Lara is an aristocrat so she’s well traveled, athletic, and fearless. She’s also super hot so she’d probably get us out of heaps of trouble with her hot hair and hot six-pack and hot face and, mainly, hot boobs. So for obvious selfish reasons, I do not want to fly with her and be the ugly friend. How terrible is that for your self-esteem?
NEO
Ugh... I just cannot with Keanu. That’s pretty much it.
INDIANA JONES
That jacket is to die for, he carries a man purse, and I would seriously borrow that hat all. the. time. And even though he is super resourceful, his quest for constant excitement and danger is exhausting and he obviously has major daddy-didn’t-pay-me-enough-attention issues. Plus, who does he expect to handle snake or other gross situations? Me? I barely like ladybugs. Our travel companionship would be – Indiana Jones and the Temple of – DOOMED.
KATNISS EVERDEEN
As a hero, I love Katniss. She’s calm and cool and wears badass outfits, and she could braid my hair because Lord knows I can’t do a thing with my hair. But brighten up, girl; there’s no need for such seriousness 24/7. I’m not sure she knows how to have any fun and she’s got too much baggage. I mean, for the love of Panem, could we just go already? Do we need to fight this revolution right now? Do we have to go back for Peeta? Grab your arrows and let’s go.
JACK SPARROW
Ok, Jack Sparrow would be sooooooo freaking fun to travel with. He’s really funny and drinks lots and lots of rum. But he’s completely unreliable and will sell you out any chance he gets. Not to mention he’s always after booty and keeps company with other untrustworthy associates. Sorry, I think yo ho No.
WOLVERINE
I bet Wolverine has the greatest travel stories and hangs out with pretty X-traordinary company, but he’s so anti-social. He’s usually grumpy and growly and just leaves without telling anyone where he’s going. Not cool, dude. He has a ton of bad dreams which usually end badly for the people around him and let’s not even talk about going through security with him. What a total nightmare!
Thanks movie heroes but I’ll stick with the kiddos, the barking dog, and Hero Husband.