Museum Yanks Masturbation Video

OTTAWA -- Disappointingly enough, a soon-to-be-unveiled exhibit at Canada's federal science museum will not include an animated video of young people masturbating. According to a Reuters report, the museum has removed the video from "Sex: A Tell-All Exhibition" following a public outcry, probably a public outcry lacking much input from young people who, last I checked, were big on masturbation videos.

It seems that in Canada, where the new thaw quickens the letting down of pantaloons and the lifting of full many a bustle, the youth remain woefully under-informed about the glory and abundant possibility of their burgeoning sexuality. Thankfully there are some right-minded Canadians willing to step up and show those kids how to do it right.

The museum's director, Yves St-Onge, who has never designed high-end fashion, told reporters: "The museum has received a higher than expected amount of expressions of concerns from the public." In response, the museum has raised the minimum age for unaccompanied admittance from 12 to 16, leaving countless youngsters aged 15 and younger totally pissed, ay.

If you're already planning a trip to Ottawa you can still treat the kids to the exhibit, which includes: "[L]ife-sized, full-frontal nude photos of males and females at various stages of life," and what has been described as "a 'climax room' showing animations of aroused genitals with a voice of a man describing an orgasm."

But as for cartoon masturbation, the kids will have to keep relying on Japan for that.

And in case you haven't any alternative plans to expose your teens to virtual masturbation, well then I suppose you'll have to have "the talk" with them; you know, that awkward conversation that I don't believe has ever really occurred in any family since Caligula, the one that begins, "Son, I noticed you've been locking yourself in the bathroom for hours on end and your mother tells me we've been going through hand lotion at quite a clip . . ."

My best friend is from Calgary and he assures me there's no reason to think Canadian kids can't figure out how to diddle themselves satisfactorily without visual aids. Still, better safe than sorry I suppose. Why not err on the side of caution?

Maybe you do want to have that conversation with your kids and if you do, the following are a few phrases to commit to memory. You see, the very worst way to start a conversation with your son or daughter about masturbation is to use the word "masturbation," which will cause your child's gorge to rise with disgust and could occasion a visit from Chris Hansen.

Don't say "masturbation." Instead, keep it real. Be hip to your son or daughter's own jive and lingo. Reach your kid on his or her own level by demonstrating that you're cool enough to discuss self-pleasure in a non-clinical, up-to-date vernacular, the kind of talk the kids be hearing on the streets, yo. Here are two lists of acceptable euphemisms:

Masturbation (son):
1. Boxing the Jesuit,
2. Dating Miss Michigan,
3. Firing the pound gun,
4. Polishing the helmet, and
5. Slapping the purple-headed yogurt pistol.

Masturbation (daughter):
1. Going solo,
2. Working out at the Y,
3. Dusting the end table,
4. Hitchhiking south, and
5. Auditioning one's finger puppets.

If you insist on talking to your son or daughter about his or her private activities, I strongly encourage you to employ such terms. It will help to build rapport with the youngster. Try coming across slick by saying something like, "Kinsey, I was just wondering, now that you're obviously filling out and everything, have you discovered the joy of paddling your own canoe?"

Wait, no! On second thought, don't even go there. Let's leave masturbation instruction to the authorities -- museum directors.