In a somber gathering today inside the viewing area at the top of the world's largest mustache -- the Gateway Arch -- the American Mustache Institute sought to distance itself from Mustached American St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke after the National Football League announced it would allow the team to abandon St. Louis for the fair-weather pastures and feline yoga studios of Los Angeles.
"Standing here inside and atop the world's largest mustache, we are reminded of the power of the Mustached American experience," said Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, chief executive of the American Mustache Institute (AMI). "But one of our own -- at least, someone we thought was one of our own -- has abandoned the powerful role as leaders we play inside the communities which depend on our wisdom, rugged good looks, and deep commitment to masculinity.
"We certainly understand the metrics for success in owning an NFL team. This of course includes aspects like revenue growth, the need for corporate support, easy access to gentlemen's clubs for players and more. Yet while economics driving the International Bowling Hall of Fame to Fort Worth could be rationalized, the Rams are altogether different. In fact, our exhaustive fiscal analysis clearly demonstrates that St. Louis remains a viable, and actually a vibrant market. This region touts a growing populous of near 3 million, some 18 Fortune 1000 companies calling the area home, strong multi-modal capabilities providing easy transportation access across the region, and a dense volume of mullets.
"Yet while science demonstrates that a healthy labia sebucula (Latin for 'lip sweater') can help mammals make more informed decisions, Mr. Kroenke has demonstrated that he is an anomaly. Our AMI Dept. of Nuclear Mustacheology & Sociological Sciences speculates that he is more than likely not truly a person of Mustached American descent. Instead, we believe that for all of these years Mr. Kroenke has possibly been wearing a faux lower nose garmentry unit in order to create the assumption that he comes from Mustached American stock and understands the sexual dynamism and power that captures our experience.
"We, the Mustached American community, call on the National Football League, along with former U.S. Ambassador John Bolton not only investigate whether Mr. Kroenke is who he claims to be, but to now work with Mustached American Jacksonville Jaguars owner Shahid Kahn to bring his organization to St. Louis and fill the much-needed role of local mustached-owned NFL franchise."
"You're welcome."