As a longtime bastion for sexually dynamic Mustached Americans, UPS's hearty fleet of Teamster drivers have embraced Mustached Americana like few other professions in modern day corporate America.
At the same time, however, the package delivery giant has maintained a two-party system of fairness, or lack thereof, amongst people of facial hair, choosing to discriminate against bearded Americans.
Indeed, in spite of pleas from drivers and other employees to allow deeper levels of facial hair coverage -- ranging from beards to goatees to Fu Machu-style facial forestry units -- UPS has denied usage of anything beyond a Chevron-style mustache -- or a mustache that only covers the top of a man or woman's upper lip.
Thus due to its rigid policies that violate the civil liberties enjoyed by most most Americans and Delaware residents, today the American Mustache Institute placed UPS executives on notice that its rigid stance would face fierce opposition from the global facial hair community.
Gentlemen,
Recently, a change.org petition calling for UPS to amend their facial hair guidelines to allow for groomed beards to adorn the shamefully bare faces of their drivers was brought to our attention. We at the American Mustache Institute represent over 50,000 members worldwide, and are the leading globally-recognized facial hair advocacy group. That said, it is incumbent upon us to advocate not only for those choosing to engage in the Mustached American lifestyle, but for all of our brothers and sisters seeking freedom from the clean-shaven majority.
It is our position that UPS has a unique opportunity to be at the forefront of the inevitable acceptance of those across the spectrum of face fur. We are prepared to offer the services and insights of our highly capable and good looking faculty to assist in the implementation of new guidelines regarding facial hair, and would be happy to do so free of charge. Furthermore, our marketing Fellows can be made available to help UPS tap into the highly desirable Male 25-54, classically good looking demographic. This is an amazing opportunity to not only highlight UPS's progressive culture and dedication to their employee's robust and hyper-attractive style of living, but to broaden their customer base with the delivery-shipping population of tomorrow.
We urge you to consider the implications of the current draconian system in place. Trust that not only are bearded and mustached employees happier, more productive, and engage in significantly less turnover, the inherent increase in testosterone production makes them upwards of 36.2% more efficient than their bald-faced counterparts.
To ignore these facts would be, simply put, a poor business move.
The opportunity to blaze a new, ruggedly handsome path is in front of you all. Be bold. Let them beard.
You're welcome,
Dr. Miles Alou, PhD
Director of Community Engagement
American Mustache Institute
877-STACHE-1