Hold up. I know what you're thinking...This is some granola, laissez faire, hippy-dippy, everyone-gets-a-trophy type of parenting, but hear me out.
When you understand the nitty-gritty inner workings of conflict you see how every person in that negative, snow-balling mess of an interaction had the power to change the path of the conversation and deescalate the situation.
So, what happened? From what I can piece together Tootie (our 4-year-old’s nickname) tried to get in on a game of monkey in the middle with my 2 older kids and the neighbor kid.
Problem is: 4-year-olds are just getting the hang of sharing and taking turns...their brains simply aren't ready for team sports. Her perception? They're being mean and swiping the ball from her. That hurts her feelings: she feels left out, and acted out on.
She storms away in anger, runs in the house and shuts herself in her room.
The babysitter, concerned, tries to comfort Tootie, but she doesn't know comforting doesn't deescalate Tootie....EVER. Like it never has. Since she was at least one. I'm not talking just hugs or "It's ok"s...I'm talking my best (I'm a therapist for Pete's sake) validation of her feelings deescalation tactics:
"It hurt your feelings that they took the ball from you and now you're angry...I would be angry, too..." NOPE. Doesn't work.
The only thing that deescalates the Toots? Alone time. Anything else is a bit like going into a lion's den.
Sitter...meet lion.
And then it happened. She spit on the babysitter and told her she didn't want her to babysit her anymore. The stuff bad kids in movies are made of.
I walked in shortly after this, excused the babysitter, and tended to the still-acting-out 4-year-old.
She yelled. She resisted. I knew she needed alone time. She got some. She started crying. She cried for 20 minutes. She cried while I put her jammie shirt on over her head. She cried as she lifted her little legs into her jammie pants. She cried as she put her head on her pillow.
I knew she felt shame.
Shame is different than guilt. Shame is "I am bad". Guilt is "I did something bad". Shame elicits more bad behavior and is highly correlated with aggression, depression, anxiety, and addiction. Guilt creates stress and is linked to empathy and behavior change.
Some people are prone to shame...we like to call them perfectionists.
I said, "Tootie, you're a good girl."
She said, "NO!"
I rubbed her chest and she sobbed...I said, "Tootie, you're a good girl."
She grunted.
I said, "Tootie, it sounds like when you were angry you tried to walk away. That is REALLY good."
She smiled and did that crying/gasping for air thing. She said, "Sometimes, when I'm really angry to calm down I have to be by myself."
I said, "I know. That's so good that you know that about yourself, but mommy didn't tell the babysitter that. Mommy can do better next time.....What could you do better next time?"
She didn't know.
"Well, maybe you could say, "I need to be alone, please!" because, sister, it's okay to need to be alone, it's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to spit on people. Okay?"
"Okay."
"How could you do better next time?"
"I could say...I WANT YOU TO GO AWAY PLEASE!" *giggle*
And then she asked if she could make a video to apologize to her buddy, the babysitter, and went to sleep without a fight.
Mika Ross, M.Ed., LPC, NCC is a licensed therapist and relationship coach with lots of letters after her name, but life has been her greatest teacher. Check out her FREE for a limited time Training for Busy Couples at www.MikaRoss.com