In the spirit of venting - I mean giving, I thought I'd offer up my 5 top resolutions that I hope other people will make for the upcoming New Year. It is a time for giving, so please people, consider giving these five ideas a try.
Just Stop! - Nothing drives me crazier than watching a car speed down my residential block and then roll right through the stop sign. Does the big glaring octangular red sign mean nothing to you? Did you not take a driver's test? Let's revisit - Green means Go. Red means Stop!
And while we're on the topic, Park in one Spot!
Oh My God! Really, dude? Can you not see the lines? Did you fail pre-school? WTF???!!! I want to be stereotypical and chastise all the obnoxious Porsche drivers, but honestly it's not just them. I see you suburban mom, dragging out your kids, looking exhausted and pretending not to notice. I see you Grandma, and think you need your eyes checked. Not only can't you park, but you never seem to see me at the deli counter. You most certainly were not next!
Get off the phone in the gym!
Really? Do you think we all care what your plans are for tonight? Or how annoying your husband is? Seriously chick, take that phone and that high pony tail and get off the machine next to mine. I do not want to hear you. Nor do the other people who are giving you polite dirty looks that you chose to ignore. Do you realize you're speaking in decibels higher than Kathy Lee and Hoda who are plugged directly into my ears?! You're messing up my hour of me time, and it makes me want to mess you up.
I'm not talking about the poop bags, although that could be number 6, I'm talking about leftover food. I know, I might be special in this regard, since I have been known to take home other people's leftovers. (Not random people, only people I know.) But really people, don't order what you can't eat. Or, take it home. It's just wasteful. Don't make me come over there and show you the Save the Children infomercial.
It's Snot Funny!
As in, here's a tissue, wipe your kid's disgusting nose! Huge EW! Do you really not see that green goop hanging there, just waiting the sleeve wipe or to drip into his mouth? Ugh, I can't even look. Tissues. They are your friend. Carry them. Use them. For the good of mankind and preschoolers everywhere, I beg of you!
There's more, so much more, but I don't want to piss off everyone. Ah, what the hell, let's piss-off some of my runner-up offenders... Person at Dunkin Donuts - Don't close the door on me as I'm walking through. If you're holding it up to that point, why would you choose to release it right as I get there? And worker at the ice cream store - smile. I get that the general public is annoying or that maybe you haven't had the best day, but, you're at work, lady. There is no sneering or eye-rolling. Save that for your break.
Please, people, take these resolutions as your own and feel free to add to the list. Let's make the world a better place. Oh, and happiest New Year.
You can read more essays like this on Icescreammama.com