A Traditional South Indian Marriage
Recently at an outreach meeting, a high school student asked me, "When did you know that you wanted to be an engineer?"
I wanted to say, "Since I was young, I always wanted to know how things worked, and I enjoyed building things." But that would have been a lie. In fact, I am not sure if I would have chosen engineering had I had other choices. Well, I had three: to become a doctor, an engineer, or a failure. These were the only choices every student in India faced in my growing-up days.
Becoming a doctor was out of the question, because I was unable to stand the sight of blood. Failure didn't sound like a good option. So all that was left for me was to become an engineer--not because I was passionate about it, but because it was my only choice. It was truly an arranged marriage, the old-school Indian way.
I don't know why so many arranged marriages are successful, but one reason may be that the bride and groom's expectations about each other are very low at first. Since they don't yet know each other, they are probably prepared for a worst-case scenario. Also, arranged-marriage couples focus less on themselves and more on creating stability, compatibility, financial security, and children. What is often overlooked is that couples do fall in love in arranged marriages as the partners get to know each other better.
This is exactly what happened to me. While overly excited about studying engineering, I worked hard just to make it work. I compromised some of my interests and redirected my energies to studying engineering. I did very well in those studies and was always at the top of my class. But, deep inside, I would often wonder if engineering was really for me. I even considered switching majors.
In college, I was inspired by some teachers and frustrated by others. When I was inspired, I spent more time on my studies and learned more. But when I was exasperated with a course, I spent even more time on it and focused on getting the job done. As I made it through various courses, inspiring or exasperating, I found myself developing a better understanding and appreciation of the field of engineering. I realized that engineers are responsible for everything we have and use today--homes, furniture, clothing, cars, television, even the food we eat. Without engineering, we would be back in the Stone Age. Engineers made all of this happen.
Suddenly, I felt a part of an exclusive club, and the word "engineer" made me proud. Since I initially had low expectations about the field, even the smallest excitement in it gave me a significant boost in my attitude toward engineering. What was once a chore I didn't want to do became a pleasant activity I looked forward to engaging in. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the way I fell in love with engineering. Today I have no regrets about the only choice I had to make. And I am still able to pursue many things I always wanted to do, albeit a bit late in life.
I often see people getting hung up on certain ideas and not wanting to explore anything other than what they think they are interested in. To them I would say, "Don't roost in the pigeonhole of narrow interests." Some students tell me they hate a subject, or activity, or even a professor, because of certain preconceived notions. I would tell them:
"Don't be bogged down by a hurdle on your way. Expect more hurdles. There is great satisfaction in overcoming obstacles, and in the end you become a better you. Whether it is choosing a college, a major, or even a profession, there is lot more to explore outside your comfort zone. If you are willing to try, you are likely to find far more interesting things from where you have never been."
P.S. I am not writing this column to promote arranged marriage. My marriage was not arranged.