My Brief Conversation with Joe The Plumber (I'm NOT Kidding)

So most of my posts are fake/parody/satire/pretend/ bullsh*t -- whatever you wanna call 'em. And because of that, whenever I write something real or genuine, people assume it's fake. It's kinda like when Bush tries to tell the truth. But I mean it honestly this time -- this post is real.

A national radio show had me on this morning as a "political comedian." And the way radio shows usually work is that they have you on hold on the phone while you wait to be introduced. While you're on hold, you can hear everything that's going on on the show. As I was sitting on hold at 7:45 AM this morning, I started to realize this radio show was definitely not part of the "Liberal Media Elite," as they say. You know, those crazy left-wing nutbags like Lou "stab-the-brown-people" Dobbs and Glenn "how-do-I-know-all-3.5-billion-Muslims-aren't-terrorists" Beck.

While I'm waiting on hold, they started interviewing none other than Joe The Plumber -- yes, THAT Joe The Plumber. The Joe The Plumber who McCain/Palin talk about every 15 seconds as an example of Obama's evil plans to raise YOUR taxes. The Joe The Plumber who has been the gateway into talking about Obama's sinister blueprints for Socialism. THAT Joe The Plumber.

So I still couldn't talk but I could hear his interview, and Joe and the host were discussing how Obama wants to spread the wealth and create Socialism and how the crazy liberals in NY and LA think the rest of the country are idiots (by the way, they so clearly are). At this point the host abruptly introduced me -- or at least tried to. He accidentally called me "Joe Camp," and I quickly corrected him with "I like to be called Joe The Camp." I figured the host had already hung up on The Plumber, and the first thing I said was, "Is Joe aware he'd get a tax cut under Obama?" -- because, as many of us have read, Joe ACTUALLY makes $40,000 per year, not $250,000. Much to my surprise, The Plumber was still on the line. Joe's response was "Yeah, I know that, but somebody else worked hard for that money, so why should I get it?" And I said, "So you're against any and all taxes whatsoever??" And Joe answered, "No, I know taxes are a necessary evil, but somebody else worked hard for that." And I said, "Well if your taxes are actually higher now than they will be under Obama and you're calling Obama a Socialist, then you must also believe George Bush is a Socialist."

Joe started stuttering a response and then suddenly there were a million bells and whistles and a pop song started playing and the show went to commercial break. I guess they cut the conversation short so that they could help Joe flee the truth seeing as he was gone when we came back from commercial. And the loud noises were meant to audibly neutralize the listeners like in Men in Black, you know, erase what the people at home had gathered in the past two minutes. Apparently the host thought, "God damn those Liberal Elite with their stupid facts and rational arguments! Here we were having a perfectly good name-calling session when a f*cking left-wing hippie comedian had to drop facts into the mix like dropping turds in a punch bowl."

Anyway, after The Plumber was gone, the host did something pretty brilliant, as much as I hate to admit it. He abruptly changed the subject to something he and I actually agreed upon (because he's a Libertarian). He changed it to gay marriage, which he agrees with. So even though I did get one more slam in about Sarah Palin's $150,000 wardrobe, the rest of my brief time on right-wing radio was wasted on nonsense. Clearly too much truth had been bluntly shoved into the brains of the listeners, so the topic had to be shifted to a shiny distraction on the other side of the room.

And just in case America was still pondering real issues rather than nonsense and name-calling, you know who was on the show after my segment? Hulk Hogan. I wish that were a joke. What a perfect pallet cleanser to help Roto-Rooter out the remaining bits and pieces of rational discourse!