My Conversation With Chris Christie

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Schiavo: You're dandy.

Christie: Huh?

Schiavo: I just thought starting off with a compliment would be nice. Let me try again. (Ahem). Governor Christie, you're impressive.

Christie: Okaaay....

Schiavo: No, really. I never knew it was possible to stand in Seaside Heights and Asbury Park at the same time to give a speech. You really know how to cover A LOT of territory.

Christie: (Silence)

Schiavo: Ummm, you're welcome?

Christie: Marlaina, I don't think it's very nice to...

Schiavo: To NOT acknowledge when someone gives you a compliment? Agreed.

Christie: Can we just start the interview?

Schiavo: Simmer down. Here...suck on this sugar packet, you'll feel better.

Christie: No thanks.

Schiavo: Ok. Governor Christie, are you responsible for making certain New Jersey roads look like your arteries?

Christie: Excuse me?

Schiavo: Did you?

Christie: My arteries?

Schiavo: Please answer, Governor. Did you purposely order a blockage of lanes which caused a clog for commuters?

Christie: Enough with the fat jokes, Schiavo.

Schiavo: It's no joke, Governor. You've pissed off a lot of people.

Christie: I had no knowledge that a stunt like this was underway.

Schiavo: Hahahahaha... With all due respect Governor, you are faaaar from "underweight"...

Christie: I said underWAY.

Schiavo: Oh.

Christie: Look, I was very sad to hear..

Schiavo: That the McRib isn't back yet?

Christie: NO!

Schiavo: My bad. Continue...

Christie: (sigh) Where was I?

Schiavo: EXACTLY my point! Where were you when this traffic prank was being planned?!

Christie: No one told me...

Schiavo: That you are single-handedly responsible for sea level rise at the Jersey shore in the summer when you go swimming?

Christie: I don't have to take this. This interview is over.

Schiavo: Why? Because you're avoiding the truth? And mirrors.

Christie: No. Because you keep veering away from the facts.

Schiavo: Well, Governor. I'm here to discuss your performance, not to talk about you being fat.

Christie: FACTS!

Schiavo: Yes! Now we're getting somewhere. Please give me the facts about what happened.

Christie: I'm still trying to get to the bottom..

Schiavo: Of that Cracker Jack box? I'll wait. Doubt it will take that long.

Christie: This is a waste of time.

Schiavo: Well, it's more like a waste of calories but...

Christie: Seriously? Is this all you came here for? To poke fun at my weight.

Schiavo: I'm sorry, Governor. It's just too easy. It's the low hanging fruit.... FRUIT being a food group that you should seriously consider.

Christie: We're done.

Schiavo: Ok Ok, truce. See, the thing is, I drive from Manhattan to New Jersey quite often because that's where my family lives. Now that I have a baby, sitting in traffic is not ideal. So this little trick of yours... excuse me... this little trick "of your staff's" really annoyed me.

Christie: Okay, but I had nothing to do with it.

Schiavo: Well, if I find out that you did...

Christie: Oh yeah...what are you gonna do?

Schiavo: I won't campaign for you.

Christie: You weren't going to campaign for me anyway.

Schiavo: You never know.

Christie: Ohhh I know. Trust me, there isn't MUCH you can get past me, my dear. Not this guy.

Schiavo: That's true. I wouldn't want to be walking toward you in a small corridor. That would be a disaster.

Christie: I didn't mean physically!

Schiavo: Oh. Well, if that's the case...how did Bridgegate happen right under your nose?

Schiavo: Governor? .... Governor? Wow. Didn't know he could move that fast.

This is for entertainment purposes only. This is not a real interview with NJ Governor Chris Christie.