Hear ye, hear ye! All hell breaketh loose in Richard-land.
Yes, my friends, yes: The fates have thrown a spear through my path. But like an Olympian, I leap forward triumphantly notwithstanding. Let it be known that since my previous entry on Dearest Richard, I have discovered an evil-but-inspiring fan club on Twitter that apparently believes my public outreach efforts to Mr. SexyBeast are not as polished as they could be. That essentially, my Creepy Obsession with King Richard just isn't... creepy enough.
Not to worry, dear ones! Methinks to remedy this immediately.
But first I must admit, based on Dearest Richard's silence following my recent declarations, I fancied that maybe I had been receiving preferential treatment... that perhaps Richard-on-TV was merely desperately in love with me, and could not even begin to articulate his profound feelings in response to my amorous tweets and is still conjuring the words to describe his affections for me.
In fact, the White Queen miniseries' Heroic Hobbit may be confessing his undying passion for me right now via Direct Message. (Note to self: monitor Twitter feed at three-minute intervals instead of five-minute intervals from now on.)
Or, Richard-on-TV (aka actor Aneurin Barnard) may be standing outside my window staring at me, tears running down his face, as I type this -- much like I stand outside his window many nights, sigh.
Nevertheless, I must put ego aside and volunteer that I do not possess all of the answers to this puzzle. And poignantly, I must acknowledge that the aforesaid fan club does in fact harbor an arsenal of experience cooing to Richard-on-TV. And sadly, their strategies might actually overwhelm my meager methods heretofore. So now I am hoping to pick up some advice from these Great Ones who came before me, who clearly know how to entice Dearest Richard to respond to their requests.
Indeed: Just in case Richard-on-Twitter hasn't yet seen the light, I once again turn my attention to the public forum, this time humbly asking for guidance from these other devotees on my quest, beginning with @AneurinPornado...
@AneurinPornado hey I have a highly classified order of business for u
@AneurinPornado . . . so I wanna get Dearest Richard's attention like u and the other Aneurin Elders
@AneurinPornado Thought about posting pics of myself making fish lips but I dunno . . . U think it would help?!
@AneurinPornado No, instagram nipple shots are not out of the question at all! Is that ur secret?
@AneurinPornado Done and done!
@AneurinPornado (um . . . u wanna be my best friend????)
@AneurinPornado Looooovvvvve youuuuuuuuu. MUAH! >smack<
(Wow, what a kindred soul. I continuously amaze myself at how quickly I can form lasting bonds. Clearly I have invoked the seeds of possibility with @AneurinPornado, and can now move on to Target Fan #2, the esteemed @RichardPaintress on my path to greatness. . .)
@RichardPaintress Hi um . . . UR A #ROCKSTAR!
@RichardPaintress Love how you get Richard-on-TV's attention with your, uh, portraits . . .
@RichardPaintress So like, can I get ur opinion on something?
@RichardPaintress I know he'll love it
@RichardPaintress I know what ur gunna to say. Some people just have a * gift * ya know?
@RichardPaintress Ok byeeeeee
(Clearly I had to cut out early here. Don't want the Paintress to become too jealous that my brilliant work will eclipse her own. Must be smart and keep alliances healthy in order to make progress with Dearest Richard. So now I implore Target Fan #3: @AneurinsYogaPants - who probably smells like roses . . .)
@AneurinsYogaPants Hey so, u and Dearest Richard must be rather close . . .
@AneurinsYogaPants Can u do me a teeny weeny a favor?
@AneurinsYogaPants If u ever see him in the men's bathroom can u take a pic for me?
@AneurinsYogaPants And tell him I said 'hi'?
@AneurinsYogaPants Thanks ur a doll!!!
(Note to self: making amazing progress with the Richard Entourage. However, I have just discovered an individual named @BarnardsBeyotch, who clearly thinks she is Richard-on-TV's girlfriend. I will need to nip this in the bud right now before she gets the wrong idea.)
@BarnardsBeyotch what. the. fuk.
@BarnardsBeyotch I don't know how to put this delicately
@BarnardsBeyotch Let's just say, you * wish * you were Richard-on-TV's old jizz sock, mmmkay??!
@BarnardsBeyotch aw, my apologies. that was harsh. let me re-phrase.
@BarnardsBeyotch . . .
@BarnardsBeyotch does the term 'cumdumpster' mean anything to u? >:D
@BarnardsBeyotch >>>cackles< <<
@BarnardsBeyotch whoa there Nelly! looks like ur an INSTA-NIPPLE TWEETER!!! . . . Touché
@BarnardsBeyotch I will call your nipple and raise you a butt cheek.
@BarnardsBeyotch Ooooh u are ruthless! I will not lower myself to tweet THAT kind of pic
@BarnardsBeyotch ok u leave me no choice. Check ur DMs. AssMonkey.
@BarnardsBeyotch There. I win.
(Blessed be! I have slayeth a dragon and will now proceedeth through the gauntlet and approacheth Target Fan #4 - the mysterious @NevilleGazer, who is clearly a sorceress through which I may extract the ultimate prize.)
@NevilleGazer What do you get if you mate Frodo with Edward Scissorhands?
@NevilleGazer How 'bout this: U tell me how you got a bday wish from the Poopsie and I'll give u a . . . #priceless #collectible?
@NevilleGazer You SHOULD think about it! Does the word 'duh' mean anything to u?
@NevilleGazer THIS IS A LIMITED EDITION
@NevilleGazer U AssMonkeys are useless
@NevilleGazer fuk it
(Alas. I have grown tired contending with the peasants who may actually be part of the peanut gallery I have been trying to escape all along. Perhaps I should distance myself all the more so that Richard-on-TV knows that I am a one-of-a-kind tweeter and retweeter. Without question I must finally employ my new weapons of seduction. Richard-on-TV, here I come!!)
@AneurinBarnard Hello lover
@AneurinBarnard I made some cookies
@AneurinBarnard Richard-on-TV, u must know that I make cookies for u all the time . . .
@AneurinBarnard But Husband-on-the-Couch keeps eating them :*(
@AneurinBarnard But then I ate it. Part of my fitness routine.
@AneurinBarnard Hey, these boobs won't feed themselves . . .
@AneurinBarnard um . . . u know what really makes me FRISKY?!!!!
@AneurinBarnard if u looked far off into the distance during your final scene, u might have seen me in a hoodie . . .
@AneurinBarnard . . .
@AneurinBarnard >pouty fish lips<
@AneurinBarnard insta-nipple tweet?!
@AneurinBarnard insta-butt cheeks?!!!!
@AneurinBarnard I knew it. U r working on ur next movie role. The character of Helen Keller is rather noble indeed. I understand. Explains everything!
@AneurinBarnard don't worry: I love an enfeebled man I can easily control (ahem, I mean, take care of . . .)
@AneurinBarnard Once upon a time, u are WILDLY obnoxious. The End.
@AneurinBarnard Don't forget my birthday in December! Talk soon PRECIOUS!! XOXO