My Dream Wedding Theme Is Cooler Than Yours

After giving it some thought, I've concluded that my dream wedding theme is: speakeasy carnival on a Mexican vacation. Here are the things I want.
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I was never the kind of child to sit around and think about my wedding. I figured I'd wear a white dress and have a cake. That was about as far as I got into the concept.

Now that I'm older and have attended my fair share of weddings, I've come to realize that most wedding themes are super boring. They're formulaic and uncreative, like a Jaden Smith movie. There's conventional food served, predictable music played, and eye-roll-worthy traditions like the dreaded bouquet toss or having the bride and groom smush bits of wedding cake into each others' faces. Yawn! This is supposed to be the best day of the couple's life, right? I say it's time to kick weddings into high-gear. Let's go a little gonzo, folks.

After giving it some thought, I've concluded that my dream wedding theme is: speakeasy carnival on a Mexican vacation. Here are the things I want:

1. A salted caramel fountain. Ever since I first dug a plastic spoon into a 99 cent McDonald's caramel sundae back in 1986, I've wanted to find an excuse to have a large vat of caramel at a function I throw. What better time than my own wedding? Besides, chocolate fountains are passé. It's time to fly that caramel flag high. (Moist towelettes will be provided upon request.)

2. Mix up the music for crying out loud. Enough with the Kool & The Gang. Give the "Macarena" a rest. For my wedding, I want to boogie to '80s songs with extended saxophone solos and/or high-pitched, whiskey-soaked male vocals. I want to dance to Huey Lewis and the News' "I Want a New Drug." I want to dance to "Girls, Girls, Girls" by Motley Crue. I want to dance to any Guns 'n Roses song off "Appetite for Destruction." I've waited my whole life for this day, so you better believe I'm gonna kick out the jams and play some serious air guitar in front of my loved ones.

3. Instead of having all the single women engage in a humiliating mad dash to catch my bouquet, I will have them take a crack at a piñata filled with single woman-friendly goodies. My least favorite part of most weddings is when the emcee calls for all the single women to line up on the dance floor to catch the bride's bouquet. One minute I'm deciding between red or white wine to go with my salad, and the next minute the entire ballroom is hellbent on identifying every single woman in the joint so they can participate in this lunacy. Have you ever had an entire table yell at you to participate in something? It sucks! I want to create a scenario where the single women will run to the dance floor voluntarily. Here's what I'll do: I'll have a custom-made piñata in the shape of Ryan Gosling and it will be stuffed with $25 gift cards to Sephora, an array of MAC lip glosses in universally flattering colors, and Magic Mike DVDs. And candy. Lots of candy.

4. I will have a taco station, a cotton candy machine, a tiki bar, and a mini-arcade filled with classic video games. When I'm drunk, I want tacos. I'm planning on getting drunk so do the math. I want the cotton candy machine so I can re-enact the scene in Grease during the Spring Fling when the secretary lady asks how many cotton candies Marty Maraschino wants and Marty sticks her finger in the cotton candy machine, licks it, and says, "One." As for the tiki bar, it's scientifically impossible to be stressed out when you have a fruit-laden cocktail in your hand. And the non-dancers can go nuts on vintage Pac Man and Skee ball while everyone else gets down on the dance floor. Everyone wins.

5. I will also have mixologists making specialty cocktails. It's an excuse to have handsome fellas with beards in suspenders at the party. This is another present for my single friends.

6. Speaking of suspenders, there will be no dress code for my guests. Wear whatever you want! Comfort is of upmost importance at my nuptials. Bermuda shorts, tuxedos, taffeta ball gowns; it's up to you. This is a panty hose-optional event. Spanx are voluntary. So are high heels. Show up in flip-flops for all I care. If you wanna rock out in your coolats, go for it; it's all good.

Now that my dream wedding is planned, all I need to do is to find the lucky groom.