On March 29th, the moon was so magnificent I couldn't just see it alone. So I took out my blackberry and sent a text to a few friends I thought might appreciate sharing that sacred glow of the moon. One of them was my former manager, Caresse Henry. It had been awhile since we'd seen each other but I always carried Caresse in my heart. So it came as no surprise that I would reach out to share with her that moonlit moment. We sent several texts back and forth that night, and planned to spend Easter Sunday together. My last text read: "Done, Easter Sunday it is. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, a walk in Runyon Canyon, whatever you like. I can't imagine a more beautiful Easter Sunday than seeing you."
She told me she'd be free after 2pm and I was really looking forward to seeing her again.
A couple days later, I was at my friend's home in Montecito when I got an email that hit me like a ton of bricks... Maybe it was a really bad joke, after all, it was April Fool's Day.
But, it was no joke, and my Easter Sunday with Caresse was not to be.
My friend had written me that Caresse had taken her life.
If in fact this is true, I'm not sure what details lead her to this dark moment of hopelessness, and I'm not sure there was anything anyone could have done to save her... All I knew, is I suddenly felt paralyzed reading Diane's words. I was in shock and sick to my stomach and couldn't imagine what her children were going through.
I feel empty and sad thinking about how empty and sad a soul has to be to take their own life. And if in fact we discover Caresse did take her own life, I know there are those who might think, "How could someone have done this to their children?" But it's hard to believe anyone in that state of mind would really be thinking about anyone else, even their own child, when all they want is to get out of their own pain.
I know from where I write, because when I tried to take my own life, I didn't think about the pain I'd be putting those I loved through. I was in a coma for a week, was read my last rites, and doctors told my parents if I lived, I'd never speak again.
I think back on that difficult time and wonder, "How could I have done something so horrible to the people I loved?"
How sad and empty to have done something so horrible to myself.
I'm sensitive to the pain of wanting to take your own life, because I've been there. For some reason, I was given the grace and gift to get through it. Most people don't have a second chance, and if in fact Caresse did take her life, I know she certainly didn't get one. I'm not sure why that is, why one gets to see again and why one doesn't. However the cause of Caresse's death, I'd like to believe that Angels are now surrounding her ~ wherever she may be. I'd like to believe she is finally at peace, and that somehow, through the grace of G-d, given the opportunity to somehow, somewhere, begin again...
When my record company wouldn't pay for my video, "There She Goes", Caresse brought it to life and paid for it out of her own pocket.
My Easter Sunday with Caresse was not meant to be, but whenever I see the sacred glow of the moon, or listen to the words of "There She Goes", I will remember her smile. And I will remember the tenderness of a fragile heart, that for whatever reason to be determined, no longer continues to beat in a sometimes lonely world, where too many, too often forget why they came in the first place....
"There She Goes, there she goes, breaking my heart and I know that she knows. There she goes, there she goes, taking my life with her, and there she goes......"