My Fellow Americans

It is with a heavy heart that I speak to you tonight from the Oval Office.

I come back from Jordan empty-handed. Well, not exactly empty-handed. When Prime Minister al-Maliki told me it wasn't safe for him to return to Baghdad, the least I could do was give him a lift on Air Force One. If he hadn't spent the whole trip with a yellow highlighter in his hands, marking up that secret Hadley memo dissing him that was leaked to the New York Times, I might've offered to give him asylum, but now he's gonna have to wait his turn, just like all those Mexicans (and no, that's not the same thing as amnesty, Mr. Lou Smarty-Pants Dobbs).

The truth is, with al-Sadr's people pulling out al-Maliki's government, it doesn't much matter if he stays or goes. I called Chalab to see if he was interested in running Iraq, but his voicemail gave a number for him in Teheran, and I don't care what the Baker group says, I'm not going to talk to Iran.

Cheney called me while I was in Amman. He finally told me what he was up to in Saudi Arabia. Turns out he cut a deal to abdicate. Ab-dick-ate. That mean's he's quittin. He's goin back to runnin Halliburton, only he's gonna do it from Jedda. I told him I thought Lynne would look good in a burkha, heh-heh. Then he told me I was soundin more and more like Stewart's impersonation of me. Then I made some quackin noises, like a duck, and that got him pretty good.

Where was I? Oh yeah. My fellow Americans.

When the Vice Presidency of the United States is vacant, the twenty-somethingth amendment permits his replacement. I have given a great deal of thought to who that might be, and believe me, that's hard work. My main criterion for selecting a successor to him is, Who would be most likely to screw things up for the Democrats in 08?

At first, I thought that'd be Condi. See, whether they nominate Hillary or Obama, either way, I'd be stealin their thunder. Then, I thought, what about Lieberman? But then I tried to imagine spending ten minutes in the Oval with him, let alone lunch once a week week, and that really put me off my feed.

The more I thought about it, the more one name came to my mind. I don't know why it took me so long, cause it's been staring me in the face the whole time.

That name is Crawford.

My fellow Americans, the time has come to pass the torch to a new generation. Well, maybe not a new generation, but a new punching bag. The Democrats say they want a new direction in Iraq. Well, beware of what you wish for, cowpokes, cause sometimes it comes true. See, with Cheney gone, and me gone, it's the Speaker of the House who's next in line to clean up the mess. A Democrat President, and a Democrat Congress. Can you think of a better way to make sure everyone hates them in 08 than dumping this whole thing in their hands right now?

President Pelosi. Got a nice ring to it. You go, girl.

Thank you, good night, and God bless America.