As, I was saying, I feel strongly that America is only as strong as its strength. And it's because of America's strength that we don't all speak German, that our kids don't all speak Russian, that our grandchildren won't have to speak Farsi or Arabic or Chinese or Klingon. And believe me, on my first day in office, all this "oprima el dos" business is going to stop.
Americans shouldn't have to press anything to speak our God-given language. We will secure our borders against the invasion of Spanish and those who speak it illegally.
It's time to get serious about immigration policy, and putting an end to unsustainable diversity.
And don't tell me self-deportation won't work. My family self-deported to Mexico a few generations back because policies here made them feel unwelcome. So I don't see why Mexicans can't do it. All we have to do is create the right conditions and they will leave of their own free will. So on my first day in office, I will sign a bill outlawing tortillas. And I will impose a tequila tax. That's right, a stiff tax on tequila and mezcal.
AMERICAN DREAM
Of course, I can't blame anyone for wanting to live the American Dream. It's a dream made possible by the pursuit of happiness in an unregulated free-enterprise society with no capital gains tax. Just like it says in the constitution -- the infallible word of our founding fathers.
Yet the president engages in the politics of envy, with personal attacks against my horse. Frankly, I don't even know the horse's name. Or why we dress it up. All I know is that horse is a tax shelter. Every time it takes a crap, I write that off.
But I am not going to apologize for being successful. I'm not going to apologize for being friends with Nascar Team owners. Or riding a jet-ski in my bathtub. I'm not going to apologize for looking like a gracefully aging Ken doll. I'm not going to apologize for saying awful things I actually mean.
Like that it's my job not to care about the 47 percent of the people who aren't going to vote for me anyway. Granted, it wasn't stated elegantly. But what that really means is that I actually do care about 53 percent of the people in this country. Which is 52 percent more than the 1 percent I was accused of only caring about when then campaign began. It's called arithmetic.
FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT
Speaking of which, this is the first African American president. Yet, financially, we're still not in the black. Someone explain that to me.
Of course, electing the first African American president was a historic event. But not nearly as historic as electing the first Mormon president. I don't think anyone saw that coming. Not only will making that history fill me with pride for my faith, but I had a $50,000 side bet with a Scientologist buddy of mine, and I can't tell you how much fun it's going to be to watch him pay up. I told you we'd be first, Tom.
We should all be proud to live in a country where not only can someone with the mark of Cain become president, but someone born with a silver spoon up his ass can also overcome all his advantages to be elected leader of the free world.
FAMILY VALUES
As president, I will defend traditional marriage, as a sacred institution between a man and a woman, or as many women as one man can manage.
Nor am I homophobic in any way. Why look at who I picked for my vice president. Let's face it, every time Paul Ryan and I stand together, it looks like we're about to forswear all others till death do us part.
But my opponent has mischaracterized many of my constantly shifting positions.
Let me pause here to clarify my latest, real-time, and continually updated belief on the number one core family value: the sanctity of life. When it comes to the question of abortion, I am Pro-Life. But I support a woman's right to choose... that choice.
I care about life because I care about people. Maybe not 100 percent of the people, but I do care about some of the people 100 percent. Like corporations. Why a lot of my closest friends are corporations and they're some of the finest people I know. If the Supreme Court says you're a people, by the way, you're a people.
Yet some would deny corporations their first amendment rights.
What they don't realize is that freedom of speech is subservient to a greater truth. Money talks. Unfortunately, it's always the poor people who never have any money. I can cite half a dozen non-partisan studies to back me up on that. Everyone agrees the poor are getting poorer while the rich are getting richer. But liberals look at that reality and ask why? Republicans ask why not?
TAXES
Some say it's impossible to cut taxes by 20 percent across the board, return military spending back to previously manly levels and send everybody a freedom turkey on Thanksgiving, without adding to the deficit we swear we're going to reduce, or socking it to the poor, the middle class, the sick, the elderly or the children, who we swear we're looking out for.
Well, I'm going to make up for the tax cuts by eliminating loopholes, which when cut, will result in greater liberty for all, but which I am not at liberty to discuss. You want specifics? Romney don't play that. But I promise you the principles are sound, even if the promises are preposterous.
You see, I'm a business man. For 25 years I've been in the business of business and I will make America pro-business again, so that businesses can get back to business. But how exactly I'm going to do it, is nobody's business.
What's more, I am not going to let fact checkers dictate my policies. Because you know what's more important than fact checkers? Gut checkers. Check your gut. When I check my gut I know President Obama has been a failure. He hasn't done what he said he was going to do. The fact that Republicans blocked him every step of the way, doesn't change that.
According to the latest polls, this election is in a statistical dead heat. We're already within striking distance for a favorable Supreme Court decision to tip the balance and put me in the White House. In fact, some of those justices are my special guests here tonight. So I've got a good feeling about it.
The president has proven he doesn't know how to solve the people's problems, even if he knows what they are. I know how to solve problems, even if I can't personally relate to people with problems.
RESTORING AMERICA
This election is about restoring America to the America that Americans can feel American about. On my first day in office, right after I ax Big Bird, cancel Obamacare, start drilling in Anwar, ship the Mexicans back to where they came from, criminalize same-sex marriage, pull the plug on Planned Parenthood and overturn Roe v. Wade, I'll start working towards making this not just an American century, but an American eternity.
How confident am I that I'll be the next president of the United States? Well, I'll tell you what. I wouldn't borrow money from China to bet against me. Because the bottom line is this. Even if it turns out I'm no better than my opponent. Wouldn't you rather be screwed by a white guy?
Keep your eye in the prize.
Thank you and God Bless America.
Read Part 1 here
Comedian Bill Santiago performs his latest one-man show "My Fellow Republicans," Monday Nov. 5th @ La Casa Azul Book Store in New York City. He regularly appears on CNN Saturday Mornings with Randi Kaye, has also appeared on Comedy Central and Showtime. He's written for The New York Times, Washington Post and Miami Herald. Checkout his new website here.