Reader Unproposed To writes:
I have a question, actually, it's not that I really need an answer but more of a "get over it"?? I have been married for five years to a wonderful man. He is absolutely what I would imagine that God had planned for me. He is amazing with the kids, helps around the house and is fantastically supportive, emotionally. We have a great sex life and a pretty fair division of responsibility within our home. We generally see eye to eye on most things and are usually pretty good about compromising if we don't.
So here's my hang up....He never proposed. Not officially. We just kind of had a discussion about marriage and then planned the wedding. I want the proposal. I know it's trivial in the grand scheme of my very fortunate life, but I want that one big, romantic, be mine forever moment. Something that he plans to show love and affection towards me (generally I make all plans for dates out or in and he follows up with the romance, but only after I've researched a restaurant, called a babysitter, made a reservation, gotten the kids situated and done all of the logistical parts of achieving said romance.)
I know that part of this has to do with my generally type A personality and my desire to "give up the reins." I also know that my own insecurity and pretty low self-esteem drive my need to see proof of his love/commitment/attachment to me, and that all of his every day actions should be proof enough of his vows etc. But I just really want to see the effort and I really want to have the experience of that one big romantic thing. What the heck is my big hang up, and why can't I get past it?
Stop berating yourself! This is a normal thing to want. Here, I have a guest post from women in your exact situation, and here, I equate romance for women with oral sex for men. You may have low self-esteem and what not, and I urge you to explore that with a therapist, but I think it's totally normal to want your husband to give you a big romantic gesture sometimes. If he doesn't understand, have him read this.
Now, I will admit that I have a particular soft place in my heart for you because I WAS IN THE SAME SITUATION AS YOU. In fact, the lack of a big proposal and massive romance associated with my ring was part the reason that I chose to "upgrade" my real diamond ring by selling it and replacing it with a $70 eBay lab diamond that looks like it's 3.5 carats and garners me daily compliments from random women in the street. (That 1.5 carat ring, incidentally, paid for my daughter's bedroom to be created from my previous dining room, so it was a win-win.)
Here is what I did and what I recommend that you do. I also recommend this for anyone else who wants a specific THING from their spouse, whether it's a birthday gift or a blowjob. Tell your husband exactly what you would like, why you would like it, and what it would mean to you. If you want a second proposal, why is this any stupider than a guy who wants his wife to dress up as a French maid? You know it's not a first proposal and he knows you're not from Paris. It's just the point that someone you love would do something for you just because you want them to.
Note: I got a second proposal, but it was only after I was like, "Actually, I would like a second proposal. For real." It was like last year or the year before, I forget, since after it happened, I was like, oh okay, cool, and then I stopped thinking about the lack of a proposal every time anyone ever got married or when I saw The Bachelor finale, as I'm sure you do too. So this was a couple hours of my husband's time that led to a happier wife, and happy wife = happy life. My husband planned a helicopter ride, and I am scared of heights, but I did it, so now at least I know I can ride a helicopter to safety if I ever have to escape a natural disaster or something (I know, I am super fun and laid back, as I'm sure you are too).
Also, despite never being a romantic person previously, in our relationship he has massively stepped up his romance game on birthdays and Valentine's Day, especially since I instituted a "no money spent" rule which means that he has to carve me stuff or write me stuff. I recommend a $0 budget for holidays, incidentally, because it increases creativity and romance.
So, girl, I hear you. If you want your big night out, make sure to both ask for it and to specify whether you do or do not want a helicopter to be part of it. Good luck and send me pictures. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Yeah You Could "Get Over It" But If Everyone "Got Over" Everything, There Would Be No French Maid Outfits, Helicopters, Or Poetry.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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