As a therapist, I always encourage people to clarify their values and live in a way that makes them proud, happy, and fulfilled. This is usually not through the accumulation of material possessions and staying in jobs you don't like to make more money.
In order to practice what I preach, I've been enthusiastically downsizing lately, which I call "un-nesting" and seems to happen after you know you're done having kids.
I've also been combing through our family finances and trying to trim the fat, and there was quite a lot of it, to the tune of extra meals out, a full and unneeded cable package, since the only thing I watch is The Bachelor/ette, home and car insurance that was obscenely priced and had never been comparison shopped, and more. More savings equals less anxiety and the ability to pay for what really makes you happy, whether it's extracurriculars for your kids, travel, charity donations, or your kids' future college funds. (I save for all those except travel, because I'm not a masochist.)
I even sold my wedding set and replaced it with a lab diamond, which I get more compliments on than any other piece of jewelry I ever wore. Mine was $40 from ebay but cubic zirconia is even cheaper.
The goal is to only spend money on experiences or things that really change our quality of life for the better in the long term, versus short term purchases that leave you feeling just the same within about a day or even an hour, like a lunch out or a new purse. The wedding ring money was used to build a new room in our house for my oldest daughter, who just is not wired to share with her sister. Incidentally, that room was converted out of my dining room, which we use a handful of times a year.
I started reading Living Well, Spending Less: 12 Secrets of the Good Life, and the author said that, after losing patience with her kids for never cleaning up, she took away ALL their toys, except art supplies and books, and within a day or two they started fighting less, stopped begging for new toys everywhere and being unsatisfied with the ones they had, and started reading, drawing, and playing outside a lot more. Sounded perfect. Too perfect.
However, never one to pass up a chance to experiment on my children, I immediately shared this idea with them. In the book, the author notes that one of her kids said that with less toys, they would have less to clean up, and that's what I led with. That and, "Do you like me yelling at you to clean up all the time? Imagine if you didn't have to clean up at all?" I told them that if they only kept stuff that they loved, this would make them happier overall. (I stole this from The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, which I, for one, have found life-changing.) I told them how my grandmother only had a doll made out of a kerchief, and then my five year old begged me to make her a doll out of a kerchief if she threw out all her dolls. I also said that if we had enough space, we might get a used piano one day, which we could all learn to play.
The girls took right to this project, especially the part where they couldn't ask me what to put in the donation pile because "then it wouldn't be a surprise" (yes, this did get me 10 minutes of silence and yes it's manipulative and yes you can steal it). I overheard them making rules, like "Only keep one baby" and "you get one baby, one stuffed animal, and one something else."
I was amazed that this plan worked so well, but the girls did a bang up job. They kept a few dolls and stuffed animals each, and wanted to keep much of their dress up clothes, which they do use every day. They also made sure to tell me that we couldn't throw out my two year old's trucks and his blocks, which are not pictured because he now takes 25 trucks into the tub every day because he's the third child and he does what he wants. (Note: I don't know if all middle children are this way, but if not for her older sister's influence, my middle child would have poured gasoline over the whole playroom and set it on fire. That girl is not sentimental and calls me at night to get her stuffed animals OUT of her bed.)
They threw out all the little plastic figures that I painstakingly collected for them, like the Fisher Price stuff and other little people and animals, some relatively expensive Etsy dolls from when I had only one kid, and all their toy food and plates and silverware. Also a lot of random stuff. Here's some of it:
Here is some of what we cleared out:
And the best part was hearing them so excited while organizing, wanting to surprise me and Daddy with how clean everything was. Look at our awesome end result.
I would never have thought of this idea on my own. I always encourage the kids to donate their stuff to kids who don't have stuff, but I never thought about openly sharing the value of "less is more" and "stop spending your limited time caring for your material possessions" with kids this age. I thought they could understand empathy and charity, but not the beauty of having fewer things, more space, and the ability to be more creative with what you do have. Shame on me.
This was a particularly meaningful exercise for me because I grew up in a house where nothing was thrown away. This, coupled with the general air of anxiety about everything else, made me very anxious to throw anything away, both as a child and a young adult. Hoarding, on any level, is an expression of anxiety: that there won't be "enough." How can you feel that you, yourself, are "enough" when you keep filling your home with endless possessions, each one designed to finally make you feel secure? And then of course, none of them ever do. I hope that my girls learn to be happy and free, and not rely excessively on accumulating material possessions to ward off anxiety and insecurity.
Try this with your kids and tell me what happens! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, I Kept One of Those Etsy Dolls. I'm Selling It On Craigslist.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.