My Letter of Resignation

Dear Pope Francis,

I am writing to announce my resignation from the Catholic Church. I would give you two weeks notice but feel under the circumstances that would be unnecessary as a fortnight of additional faithless faith would not do you or the church any good.

As you, or the cardinals, or the bishops, or the colonels, (I'm sorry I never caught on to the hierarchical ranking system) know, my two Jewish daughters have now completed their high school education at a Catholic High School.

They had a wonderful experience. As Hebraic outsiders, they were accepted by the faculty. And embraced unconditionally by the student body. Except for the occasional minor foolish inquiry from less-than-wordly students.

"Do you have horns?"

"Do you all marry your cousins because you all tend to look alike with the big lips and the large noses?"

"Why did you kill Jesus?"

I also want to thank you for indulging my daughter's conspicuous atheism. I know it must have been difficult to accommodate doubt and dissent, particularly in settings designed to nurture and promote faith and religiosity.

For instance, on the annual spiritual mountain retreat, around the introspective campfire, one of the teachers asked the students to describe the many ways Jesus has led and instructed their lives. It could not have been easy when my daughter responded:

"I don't believe in God. Are there any more S'mores?"

And yet, through it all, there was never any pressure to jump the fence. Which is good because as people who have grown up in the shadow of the Holocaust, witnessed the horrors of ISIS and spent an entire evening on the tarmac at Denver airport because the tower couldn't find a gate, we have a hard time believing in a God. Much less three.

Again, my understanding of the Trinity and the holy unification is sketchy at best.

With that, we are leaving the church.

I'm pretty sure there won't be a counter-offer or even an exit interview. But I would like to leave you with a suggestion on how to improve the organization for the future.

Your Holiness, I'm glad you are moving forward with a more progressive view on homosexuality, but you need to go even further and ditch this whole notion of eternal Celibacy. That can't be good, for you, or any of the clergy. The body needs to get those fluids out. It's just not natural.

I suggest you speak with one of the rabbi's at my temple -- a stunningly handsome man. The female congregants, and possibly some of the males, call him Rabbi McDreamy. Between his encyclopedic knowledge of the Talmud, his jutting jawline and his soothing voice, this guy gets more ass than a Beverly Hills Proctologist.

Let me know if you need me to make the introduction. It's the least I can do.

Yours in gratitude,

Rich Siegel