A few weeks ago, on one of my friend's birthdays, I sent her a message thanking her for being my friend and for always listening to me (yes, I usually thank people for listening to me, because I can spend hours talking non-stop about many different subjects from climate change, my dad issues, and my worries about my future!) She replied saying "It's okay. I can always laugh at your stories!" It really got me thinking: You can laugh at my stories? Like I'm a comedian on tour and every time we go out, you have a blast? And that's when I realized... My life, to everyone, is a comedy. But I've started to get tired of laughing.
My life is a series of bizarre and strange events that could be described as epic fails. Everything I ever do doesn't turn up well; it doesn't turn up badly either, it just ends up becoming a fantastic story to tell everyone about, with a sad ending to me, but also a funny one to people who hear it. It's funny to everyone: I used to have a therapist who, in every session, would laugh her a** off. I'm not kidding, there were times when I used to tell her something that was really sad to me (but perhaps, as I always do, I told her the story in a funny way, trying to seem like I didn't care so much about it), and she would laugh and laugh. She did feel sorry for it, sometimes she realized it was too much and said "Oops, sorry. Was reminded of something else that made me laugh," but she also felt like she was watching a Seinfeld episode, not a therapy session -- she was getting double benefit from me, getting payed to have fun. I want my money back!
And it's great to make people laugh, I was a stand-up comedian for many years, but sometimes it just isn't enough. When dumped by a boyfriend because "your political views do not match mine," I can't stop and think "Ohh... How great! The many people I'll make laugh with this story!" Of course not, of course I want to stay in bed for a full week and cry worse than with Titanic.
Because is it worth it? Is it okay to "suffer" in most matters of life (love, work, study)? Is there a reward at some point? Will I, in five years, get my own kicka** TV show to tell the world about my adversities? My worry is that I won't.
And the thing is, when you've been so unlucky -- and perhaps considering myself unlucky is unfair to some people, because I'm writing this in my Mac, from my cozy home, with my family around -- but I will declare than I'm unlucky because every time I needed luck I've failed to have it (only once I won a prize, it was a hand soap that I ended up being allergic to -- not kidding), you just know what your destiny will be: You know that Italian guy who you're already thinking about having kids with won't like you back; your new friends will probably grow tired of you at some point like the old ones did; your father will keep forgetting your birthday.
People tell me, "Be positive! Have you ever watched The Secret movie?". The Secret movie, for those who haven't heard about it -- really, do you live on planet Earth?! -- is about the law of attraction, which basically states that you can change your fate, with your thoughts and feelings you have the ability to manipulate the energy and get anything you want. I was forced to watch this movie at age seven by one of my aunts, when she was recently divorced and had the typical crisis.
So with this line of thinking, the things that happen to me do because I'm as negative as it gets.
Anyway, I don't say I'm negative, I'm realistic. It's logic, if the last 10 times I met guys that seemed like the one things ended up terribly, it's highly likely that number 11 won't be the one to change the pattern. A sudden urge of positivity isn't the key to change all this. But what is it? Really, I don't have any answers to this. I could start guessing, perhaps I need a weekend in one of those spiritual retreats, a sabbatical year in Bora Bora, a trip to India, a meeting with Ravi Shankar, or become Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. What can I do to shape my destiny? Perhaps I could stop declaring to the world that I'm unlucky and accept that this is the way my life is. I need to embrace the things that happen to me, accept what's passed and what's next. It's surely not an easy task, but time will tell.
For now, it's okay to make my friends laugh their a**es off every Saturday when we go to bars, and I will start asking my therapist for money after every session.