My New Year's Resolutions for 2016

1. Write the great Armenian novel

2. Finish that exposé on Blue Man Group, it's been two years already

3. Speed up the toenail clipping

4. Smell the roses -- okay, did that, moving on

5. Practice my write-in ballot

6. Tear off the cellophane off of that beginner yoga DVD I bought in 2005

7. Exercise. My Second Amendment rights, beeyatches!

8. Look up quantum physics on Wikipedia

9. Call mom more often -- okay, that's done too, moving on

10. Make fewer "to-do" lists, but make them better quality

11. Invent a self-cleaning toilet and/or clean my toilet

12. Try to develop a gum habit

13. Be rigid

14. Give away my mix tapes to the homeless

15. Start an oddly specific yet easily misunderstood protest movement

16. Change all my hashtags to ampersands

17. Do the hard things, but in an easier way

18. Watch that Peter Lorré documentary on YouTube at work -- done, moving on

19. Swim more -- I mean, Christ, the apartment pool is free, what the hell are you doing with your life, you stupid lazy jerk

20. More cowbell.