Everyone wants to look perfect on their wedding day. I failed at this. In the five seconds of the wedding video that I managed to watch before rushing to shut it off, I appeared to be twitching. Twitching. I don't think I have a twitch. At least, I hadn't before then. I was obviously over-stimulated. Too much happiness, apparently, can do that to you.
But the worst part is that I'm not standing up straight. I'm hunched over. I have bad posture. I have bad posture all the time. My mom has been telling me to stand up straight since I was a little girl.
"Put your shoulders back!"
"Because it's better for you. And it looks better."
I like slouching. It feels more comfortable. It looks less self-important. When I put my shoulders back, I feel like I'm pretending to be at a tea party with the Queen of England. I feel like I should be wearing pearls. I don't feel like myself. Myself is schlumpy.
And myself looked really schlumpy in a wedding gown. Which is not how you want to look in a wedding gown.
I hadn't thought about this beforehand. It hadn't even occurred to me. That you have to carry yourself differently when you wear a gown. I mean, I'd never worn anything like that before. I'll probably never wear anything like it again. And then suddenly, I was wearing this giant, gorgeous, complicated cream-toned gown. With a bustle. Yeah. I went all out. But it was a subtle bustle. I promise.
There are some good pictures. There's one where I look downright beautiful. But then there are about a hundred and seventy where I am the hunchback who has stolen the princess's dress.
I messed up a lot of stuff with the wedding (you can read my post about it here). I should've gone for the young woman florist who worked with wildflowers, rather than the old man florist who my mom kept insisting had more experience and so must be better. I should've gotten sandwiches for everyone, like I wanted to, instead of being worried that it wouldn't be formal enough. I should've trusted myself more in general, with everything, rather than being afraid I'd disappoint people or fail to make the wedding wedding-y enough. But the only thing I regret is my posture. I should have worn that dress like I meant it. I should've owned that whole day. I should've stood up straight like a queen.
It's OK. The important thing is that I married a fantastic, loving guy. That was the point of the whole experience.
"Look!" I yelled, waving him over to the screen, "I'm twitching! Is that me twitching?"
He burst out laughing. "You do look like you might be twitching a little," he said. "It's kind of cute."
It was not kind of cute, but whatever. I look ridiculous in almost all of the photos and probably the entire video. And that's funny. I can laugh about it. It's unique.
But if I could go back in time, I think I'd just whisper to myself as I started down the aisle, "Shoulders back!"
You can read more from this writer at Eat the Damn Cake. She's pretty fun.