Fox 2000 is slated to turn Go the F*ck to Sleep into a movie. Yes, I'm serious. Industry insiders are already clamoring for the sequel, with options like "Brush Your Teeth or You Will Get F*cking Cavities," "Clean Your Room, It Looks Like a Sh*thole" and "Stop Being a Jack*ss and Eat Your Vegetables" all under consideration.
They've already signed on a writer to flesh out the screenplay but just in case he needs a little inspiration, I thought I'd offer up a scene from my own life as reference.
After all, "Go the F*ck to Sleep" could be a documentary shot at my house EVERY MOTHERF*CKING NIGHT.
Characters
Mike.......... Father
Ilana.......... Mother
Mazzy....... Toddler
Harlow....... Baby
SCENE I
Open on Mike sitting in the living room watching television. There are toys strewn about the floor, a puddle of Go-gurt on the couch and a half-eaten hot dog on an Elmo plate on the coffee table. Mike looks like he has been run over by a truck.
Ilana enters the room. She's got spit-up on her shirt, her ponytail is askew and her left boob is hanging out of her nursing bra.
MIKE: Is she asleep?
ILANA: Which one?
MIKE: The baby.
ILANA: I put her in the crib but I don't think it's gonna take.
MIKE: What about Mazzy?
MAZZY (yelling from other room): I want some water!!!!!!
ILANA: Does that answer your question?
Mike starts to get up. Ilana panics.
ILANA: WHAT ARE YOU DOING????!!!!
MIKE: I'm getting her water.
ILANA: Are you CRAZY???
MIKE: We can't get her water?
ILANA: If we get her water, then she is just going to scream for something else.
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
MIKE: So, what? Ignore her?
ILANA: Yes, ignore her.
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
MIKE: She's never going to shut up.
ILANA: You have to wait it out.
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
(silence)
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
(silence)
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
MIKE: I'm getting her water.
ILANA: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't get it for her NOW!!! You'll just be reinforcing that she has to yell repeatedly until she gets what she wants.
MIKE: So what you're saying is, if I was going to get her water, I should have gotten her water when she first yelled it?
ILANA: Yes.
MIKE: You mean, when I first got up to get her the water and you told me not to?
MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!
ILANA: She's not even going to drink the water. I got her water last night and she just put it next to her bed without even taking a sip.
MIKE: You got her water last night?
ILANA: Yeah. But she asked while I was still in there putting her to bed.
MIKE: You're sending mixed messages!!! The rules aren't clear!
MAZZY: I WAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!
ILANA: Don't answer her.
MAZZY: I WAAAAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(silence)
MAZZY: I WAAAAAAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(silence)
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: GO TO SLEEP, MAZZY!!!
ILANA: What did you do that for????
MIKE: What?
ILANA: We were getting through to her and you ruined it!
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!
MIKE: I don't think we were getting through to her.
ILANA: Well, not now that you ruined it.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!
MIKE: Ignoring her isn't working.
ILANA: It will! You just have to make it through the extinction burst.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: The what?
ILANA: It has to get really bad before it stops.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ILANA: Giving in at the height of the tantrum is the worst thing you can do.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ILANA: Then the next time, she will escalate to the crazy place that much faster.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!........ WAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!........ WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!........ WAAAAAATER!!!!!.....................WAAATER!!!!!................... WAAAATER!!!!!!......................... WAATER!!............................................ WATER!!!!....................................................... WATER!!!............................................ WATER!................................................................ Water!......................................water!......................................... water....................................................................
(silence)
(more silence)
(even more silence)
ILANA: See? We just had to--
HARLOW: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
ILANA & MIKE: OH F*CK.
End Scene
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There. I just saved you $12.50.