My Review Of The OC Creator's New Show Gossip Girl , Which I Did Not Watch

As someone who was a big fan of making a point to never watch a single episode The OC (especially when everyone I know was still pathologically obsessed with its each and every reheated 90210 plotline), I am positively elated about totally ignoring OC-creator Josh Schwartz's latest indie rock-ruining teen soap opera Gossip Girl, which will undoubtedly be a big hit among high school kids, lonely Sex and the City junkies desperate for ANY "New York nightlife" TV fix, and pretentious hipster types who swear they "just watch it ironically".

So before the fan frenzy begins, here is my wildly speculative thoughts about last night's premiere of Gossip Girl on The CW, which I didn't bother watching, but will review anyway to make sure our site is covering everything that's "hot" right now.

So there are these kids at this fancy private high school or college for rich kids in Manhattan. Most of the girls are really hot in that stupid "aspiring actress bimbo" way, and they wear really expensive clothes, which they talk about a lot, often on their ever-present high-end cellphones, which are pink and sparkly. There's Popular B*tchy Girl, whose sole purpose of existence seems to be maintaining her social status in the most ruthless ways imaginable, meaning she's beyond self-absorbed and treats everyone with one-dimensional cruelty, including the 2 or 3 inferior Popular Girl Posse disciples who follow her around and do whatever she tells them.

Then there's probably some sort of Attractive New Girl who is also superficial and popularity-driven, but in a way that's slightly less obnoxious and unlikeable, which is why we're supposed to empathize with her. She still involves herself in all the incessant sex & drugs & drama of her peers, but is later introspective about it, as we understand from every episode's scene in which she's hunched over her laptop, agonizing over "what it all means" on her secret blog, which undoubtedly ends up being discovered by B*tchy Popular Girl, who then uses it to humiliate her. I suspect this may be what the "Gossip Girl" title may be referring to.

On the male end of the spectrum, we have Hot Dangerous Guy, the smoldering hot rich kid who has everything he could want and is wanted by everybody, but is still haunted by some kind of dark rage (inevitably caused by his hatred of his parents, who are too busy being rich to love or support him) that drives him to increasingly self-destructive misbehavior (drugs, violence, skipping school, a hatred of condoms, subsequent impregnation of virgins, driving really fast in his sports car - sometimes even when he's drunk! -, and so on and so forth), which B*tchy Popular Girl - who he treats terribly - thinks is totally cool and sexy, and from which Attractive New Girl - who he's hesitantly drawn towards because she's the only one who "gets him" - thinks she can save him.

Hot Dangerous Guy's nemesis is Hot Nice-But-Different Guy, a so-called "outsider" who - despite being ridiculously attractive - is shunned by the popular crowd because his family isn't wealthy, and he's attending the school on a scholarship for film making, which is what he dreams of some day doing just like his artistic hero, Zach Braff. He's really quirky and creative, and he's obsessed with all the latest indie rock bands like Spoon and Arcade Fire, whose music is prominently ruined throughout the series. Also, Hot Nice-But-Different Guy is the only character with enough depth to criticize the fake plastic existence of his prep school peers, which is why Attractive New Girl is so confused about whether she should make the obvious "safe" choice and date him seriously, or submit to her inexplicable physical desire for Hot Dangerous Guy, who she knows will only hurt her. This perpetually unresolved indecision creates constant tension between her romantic rivals, which is usually manifested in ridiculously over-dramatic fight scenes where they shout things at each other like, "If you ever hurt her again, I'll f*cking kill you, man!". Popular B*tchy Girl isn't really interested in Hot Nice-But-Different Guy, but she always flirts with him to make Attractive New Girl jealous. This one time, when Hot Nice-But-Different Guy got really drunk drowning his sorrows in Pabst Blue Ribbon (he's to edgy to drink that other rich kid beer!) because Attractive New Girl left The Big Party with Hot Dangerous Guy, he ended up being seduced by B*tchy Popular Girl, which he swears was a huge mistake that he totally regrets when Attractive New Girl finds out the next day. An indie rock ballad plays over a montage of all the characters staring thoughtfully into the distance.

Also, there's this half-assed ongoing sublot about a few of kids' parents, whose marriages are all on the rocks because one of them's cheating and the other's a work-a-holic and mommy takes pills and they're all just too self-involved to do much in the way of parenting, which we're supposed to understand is the "real reason" why these kids are such unlikeable jerkfaces, thereby making this whole show a poignant statement about the breakdown of the American family's value system, as opposed to just another moron-exploiting melodrama about awful people leading terrible lives.

But ANYWHOOZERS, these kids' drug-taking, sex-having, law-breaking, back-stabbing, gossip-spreading, reputation-destroying, fortune-spending, pregnant-getting, sucide-attempting, abortion-having, drama-starting, plot-twisting hijinx will probably be spread out over 3 or 4 seasons, until its easily-entertained young fans finally reach an age and maturity level allowing them to arrive at the realization that the whole show is pretty dumb and pointless, and their TV time would probably be better spent watching an old Wild West town full of grade school kids - who, incidentally, are way more interesting and intelligent than anything about the lives of Manhattan rich kids - also struggling to figure out how to conduct themselves in a civilized manner in a place - a "Kid Nation", if you will - with a similar lack of rules, but where nobody gets date-raped, impregnated or killed in a drug overdose.

At least we hope not.

This post comes courtesy of, where it originally appeared.