Reader Bitter Bro writes,
My best friend at the time (and roommate) had started inviting a girl over, 'Jane,' who I had advised him to not date based on her sexual promiscuity I had observed, and he insisted that it wasn't a big deal as we are in college. A week or so down the road, he told me I was right and began dating someone who he seemed to be happy with.
After a period of time he began inviting Jane to hang out with us at our house, seemingly to be platonic. He began to push us to interact more regularly and eventually told me that she was very interested in me and was pushing me to date her. After countless conversations of me resisting and him insisting, I finally asked her on a date.
Over the course of our two-month relationship she was closed off and difficult to communicate with. Shortly before Jane returned to school, my roommate broke up with his girlfriend and started to spend a lot more time with me. I knew that Jane and I were about to break up, which he promised to help get me through if I needed. He told me that although he is Jane's friend, I am his 'big brother,' and I come first. He told me this as Jane pulled into our driveway. We broke up that night.
The very next day my roommate begins spending all of his time with her and eventually ends up dating her and has not spoken to me since that night. As you can imagine, home life is very uncomfortable and neither one of them can look me in the eye. Jane and I broke up almost two months ago, but I still can't get over what my friend did to me. The break up was a good thing. I realize the relationship was not a healthy one, but someone I loved and respected so much taking actions that he knew would hurt me is unbearable.
I know something needs to be said, but I just can't fathom what it could be or if the amount of time spent avoiding one another has made words irrelevant. I have kept myself convinced that the only reason I would speak to him would be to hope he changes his behavior (which I don't see that he would) or to receive an apology that I don't think I would receive. Any advice you have to offer on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Dear BB,
I'm sorry your roommate turned out to be so dishonest. At least this was just a two-month girlfriend and he didn't steal your wife later on. I think that he always liked her, but didn't have the cojones to go for her right away. So he thought that the second best thing would be you having her, since you're a close friend. I do think it's possible that his intentions were still good, at least consciously, at that point. But once the breakup happened, he could no longer restrain himself from trying to be with her. Unfortunately, rather than being open with you about any of these feelings, he went behind your back.
On the positive side, he has now shown his true colors, so it is good that the friendship is over. How could you trust him with anything moving forward? There is no reason to talk this out or wait for an apology. What difference would it make? You need to grieve this friendship and be done with it. Also, you need a new living situation, yesterday. There is no reason to remain sharing a house with this guy and his girlfriend/your ex. It is too awkward for even James Bond to manage successfully. Go on Craigslist and get yourself a new roommate, stat.
I must say, though, try not to judge women or men based on promiscuity. As you can see, there are many other issues that actually mean something about a person's character aside from how many other people's genitals they have come into contact with. One such issue is pretending you're going to support your friend through a breakup and the next day starting to cozy up to his ex.
Good luck, and thanks for writing in. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Go On Tinder And Get Yours, My Friend.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.