My name is Jon, and I'm addicted to Sarah Palin.
I read everything I can about her. I watch TV, hoping Wolf Blitzer will say something about her. I get irritable waiting for the next Maureen Dowd column about her.
I've come to understand that this is not a bad habit, or a moral failing - it's a disease.
I hope I can help others who have the same problem. Here's how to tell if you have a Sarah Palin obsession:
--You refuse to throw away the cover stories about her in People, Us, Time and Newsweek.
-- you keep telling your wife, "Why is no one picking up that Washington Post story about her per diems?"
-- You set the Tivos both upstairs and downstairs to make sure you don't miss her Charles Gibson interview on ABC
-- You get up in the middle of the night to check RealClearPolitics.com for new poll results about her.
-- you yell at your kids for forgetting how her kids got their names -- that she named one after an athletic event (Track) and another after a snowmobile (Piper Indy).
If you have three or more of these signs, you need to get professional help. Remember that Sarah Palin obsession is an equal-opportunity disease that affects people at every level on the economic ladder.
There are treatment centers that specialize in addictions like this. When you check in, you will be searched for contraband -- they will find that page of the National Enquirer you have folded up inside your shoe, so don't bother trying.
Inside the treatment center, you will have to go cold turkey. Complete abstinence is the only real cure. Don't believe people who tell you about "controlled use" or "harm reduction." That means no Headline News, no pollster.com, and no Huffington Post.
And when you get out, you will need faith in a higher power.
Would that be Barack Obama?