My Top 5 Online Dating Horror Stories

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1. Ryan +12

He was just as cute in-person as he was in his profile picture. He seemed to have had it all: great smile, sense of humor, and a general positive outlook on life — he was pretty much almost perfect. Almost. When I went to meet him he brought his entire a cappella group with him. When he excused himself to go to the bathroom they too excused themselves and went into the bathroom with him. When they all finally sat back down I asked them if they always traveled like this and received a resounding and harmonized “yes.” That was the last time I saw him/them.

2. The guy who literally ghosted me

His name was Fred and he was literally a ghost. On our third date I asked him why we kept meeting in the study of this old mansion that had all the windows boarded up and he was like, “I died in a fire 37 years ago.” Way to wait until the THIRD date to tell me something you should have brought up from the get-go. Dick.

3. The guy who wanted to do my star chart and would not take no for an answer

I went to meet this guy at a restaurant and after exchanging hellos he immediately asked to do my astrological chart. I was suggested we maybe wait until we order a drink but he kept asking to do my chart every 23 seconds. I was like whoa dude, calm down, what’s the rush and he belligerently pushed everything off the table with his arm and spread out an astrological chart on top of it and yelled, “WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN AND ARE YOU RIGHT OR LEFT-HANDED I NEED TO KNOW NOW.” Everyone was staring and I got super uncomfortable so I left and he followed me down the street banging pots and pans and continued to do so until I agreed to do my star chart. I ran into my apartment building where he started to shriek Enya lyrics at my window but gave up before I was about to call the police. Talk about dodging a bullet!

4. The orthodontist who turned out to be a gargoyle

Talk about cat-fishing.

5. A literal gondola

At first I was pleasantly surprised. I thought it was romantic to go on a gondola ride on a first date. As per his instructions, I went to the park and walked down by the water to wait for him and a gondola with no one in it floats over to where I’m standing and I hear someone call my name. I look around, hoping to see the overwhelmingly debonair man I saw on Tinder approaching me and then I hear someone say “down here” and I’m like, “WHAT IS HAPPENING????” THE GONDOLA WAS TALKING TO ME. He asked me for my help because some witch hexed him and he was cursed to live the rest of his life as a gondola and I was like “uh, OK, but how the fuck are you able to use a phone???” He told me the curse has some loophole and he’s able to temporarily assume a human form depending on the moon cycle or something like that but I stopped paying attention when I saw a Make America Great Again decal on his side and was like BOY, BYE.

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