Dear Santa,
I haven't been in touch for some time. I'm still a big fan of yours.
I rarely ask for much on Christmas, especially now that I'm attempting to be an adult on a full-time basis; a few books and a bottle of scotch are more than enough for me.
I did, however, think to write you a detailed note this year. I've spent a fair amount of time on airplanes (and in airports) over the past fifteen years, although I don't know that I've ever sent across a travel-related Christmas wish list. Of course, if you're up for throwing in a trip to Madrid you'd have my full attention, though this year's list will focus more on improving the travel experience for people who travel regularly.
1.) Requiring stickers for inexperienced travelers. I don't want to create a sort of scarlet letter for neophyte wanderers, though there are worse ideas floating around -- especially as it relates to getting through airport security.
"Just because that guy's taking his shoes off, does that mean I have to take my shoes off too?"
"Is it fine if I bring this bottle through security? I know it's liquid. I just want to make sure that you know it's an unopened bottle?"
"Belts? My belt ain't doin' nothing, but I'll take it off if you want me to."
"Sorry. We're not much for flying. Just give us a few minutes while we figure out the company's security system."
Nobody wants to be in line behind people like this, Santa. The travel experience already gets off to a bad start when that happens; and let me assure you that the annoyances from people like this won't end there. People who have no idea what they're doing in an airport should be required to identify themselves. Full disclosure is the best policy.
The stickers could be bright yellow or green and perhaps placed on an arm. Or maybe orange fedoras would be the way to go.
2.) Bringing free booze back to domestic air travel. If someone would like to have eight vodka-tonics on their flight from Chicago to New York City, I can understand why airlines may want to charge people. But what about a glass or two of red wine to unwind at the end of the day? Or maybe a bit of decent bourbon? Why does a beer have to cost at least seven dollars?
Could we just enjoy one tipple without having to pull out our credit cards? I'm hoping you may have some pull with those walking the corridors of power at American Airlines and other major carriers.
3.) Tightening things up at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). Santa, I'm a pretty laid-back guy and I can tell you with absolute certainty that TSA has oozed with incompetence for years. There are so many examples of this. In fact, I've read about TSA experiences which are so appalling that I don't even feel like including them in this letter. For now, I'll stick to some of the persistent minor issues.
Awkward touching.
Miscommunication about basic stuff.
Some dude my height asking me why I'm looking him in the eye, when he just requested that I look straight ahead (into his eyes).
General awkwardness.
At times it feels like all the really socially awkward people who tried out for the circus but didn't make it have gravitated towards airport security.
Please help!
4.) Saving the Republican Party. Lastly, I hate to deviate from my travel-related requests and get political on you, Santa, although I'm just exasperated and feel I've got nowhere left to turn. Is it possible you could help the Republican Party reform? There was some talk of this in 2012, yet nothing's really happened since then. In fact, things have clearly gotten worse.
In particular, I'm talking about Donald Trump, Sen. Ted Cruz and Ben Carson. Carson seems to be fading so I'm less concerned about him, though Cruz and Trump are going strong. Over the holidays, I'm wondering if you could do something to convince Republican voters that this axis of bigotry, un-Americanism and misogyny which is led by Trump and Cruz is not the direction we want to take the country.
Relatedly, I'll be in Texas over Christmas and I suspect there are many, perhaps even millions of Trumpians there. Do you have any guidance for how I should handle the holidays in this hotbed of Trumpism? I know you'll be delivering gifts in some Trumpian strongholds and would be deeply grateful for any thoughts you may have.
I realize these are big asks. Having said that, taking some decisive action on these matters would improve the lives of millions of seasoned travelers, those travelers who are less experienced and the country at large.
Thank you for your consideration. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Please give my regards to Ms. Claus.
Sincerely,
Taylor