Narcissism has been constantly in the news lately; and with good reason too. From CEO’s and top politicians to criminals and everyday Jane and Joe, people with narcissistic features blow their horns and trample on others rights and feelings to get what they want. They do not fare too well under pressure, flip-flop often to suit their agenda, and become personal and vindictive when questioned. So, what is narcissism in clinical terms?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of the ten personality disorders listed in the DSM-5. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is one of the two most widely used mental health classification systems worldwide. NPD is a cluster B personality disorder together with antisocial, borderline, and histrionic personality disorders. This cluster is characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder comprises of pervasive feelings or behavior of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. The narcissist has a grandiose sense of self-importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of unbridled success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love and believes that they are special and unique—fit only to mingle with the best. They also have a lack of empathy, which helps them exploit others without compunction. Sometimes, especially at first appearances, high self-esteem can be mistaken for narcissistic traits, confounded by the media who constantly attaches labels to people without much substance. But, the differences are actually simple to spot.
#1 – Narcissists need external validation
Whereas a person with high self-esteem performs and strives by internal standards, ideals, and abilities, the narcissist compares himself to others and will not hesitate to demean, discredit, and disrupt their achievements. Someone with a healthy self-confidence makes significant efforts to be the best he can be, while recognizing development areas and aspiring to improve. The narcissist believes he is already the best and focus his attempts on tainting the image of others rather than improving his abilities and skills. Failures are deflected by blaming exogenous circumstances. They measure their own worth by outside validation and approval.
#2 – Narcissists constantly compare themselves to others
Adding to the previous point, the value that a narcissist believes himself to have is measured against others’ perceived performance and worth. They need a constant external comparison to support the perception of superiority that is inherent to their personality. However, they are less interested in improving than to drag other down so that they appear good. A person with high self-esteem utilizes his internal yardstick, guided by personal values and objectives. For the narcissist, it is all about what other people are thinking about them and how they express their admiration and gratitude.
#3 – Narcissists are frantic to get recognition and approval
A narcissist will do almost anything to obtain recognition and approval from others. After all, it is their most important measure of success. Instead of expending their time and efforts on what is necessary to achieve their objectives, their entire strategy revolves around pursuing positive reactions from others. Just the appearance of acclaim and adorations is sufficient as it matters more than the actual outcome regardless. Those with a healthy self-esteem, on the other hand, are driven by the outcome and the learning process and not by approval ratings and popularity.
#4 – Narcissists find it difficult to adapt their strategy after failure
This distinction is significant. Narcissists do not learn from their mistakes and failed strategies. They only do what they do to impress others, which verifies their superiority. The actual effort and outcome are of much lesser importance. As such, their strategies often seem aimless and misconstrued. They attribute failure to everything else but themselves and will, therefore, continue to repeat the same action and expect a different result. They are also easily derailed just by withholding their narcissistic supply of admiration and support, which is likely to amplify their misguided behavior. Because they assert blame on external factors, they believe it is not necessary to adapt as the circumstances will change in their favor in any case, in part because others will eventually come to their senses and recognize their superior value.
#5 – Narcissists relationships serve only themselves
For the narcissist, only himself counts. Others’ feelings and needs are subordinate to theirs. Because the narcissist sees himself as superior, other people are at his disposal as instruments to further his own needs. As he is addicted to a constant narcissistic supply, other people are manipulated in any way possible to bestow this upon him in the form of admiration, support, favors, and indulgence. Anyone who loses this potential is ignored or treated with disdain. In contrast, a realistically self-confident individual has a healthy balance of internal and external focus, does not put their needs above those of others, and is willing to compromise to achieve their goals.
#6 – Narcissists’ confidence is misguided
A narcissist believes they are superior, often with little substance or proof supporting the notion. They are the most beautiful, intelligent, and deserving and, as a result, have very high expectations and feel entitled to privileges and respect. Their truths are the only truths and their pursuits the only that are important. Any shortcomings are blamed on others. Their illusions of grandiosity are unrealistic but they lack the insight to see it differently. Compared to a typical narcissist, a person with high self-esteem bases his self-perception on realistic appraisals of his abilities and performance. They consider constructive advice; narcissists reject it as a personal insult. Self-confidence is connected to an insight of personal growth areas and a willingness to strive to improve.
#7 – When denied, narcissists become flat-out nasty
Narcissistic supply is like a life-sustaining drug for the narcissist. They will only invest their time and effort in those who are willing and worthy to shower them with admiration and other privileges to enable them to raise their profile. If someone opposes them, and critiques or discredits them, the narcissist tends to become childishly sulky or bad-tempered. They do not easily and readily withdraw from such a situation but engages in a personal attack, often by making inflammatory and threatening statements or using underhanded techniques to marginalize and alienate the other person. Someone with high self-esteem is open to constructive criticism, but when treated unfairly, states his case and withdraws rather than stooping to a personal attack.
#8 – Narcissists have low empathy
A narcissist’s needs and rights come first, often at the expense of others’ feelings and preferences. They cannot and do not see the need to put themselves in another person’s shoes and consider another perspective than his own. Other people are puppets in their lives to use and exploit as they please. They believe that their association with another person should be reward enough to sustain their admiration and approval. Many individuals with a healthy self-esteem, to the contrary, also have higher levels of empathy, which enables them to balance their needs with those of other around them.
#9 – Contact with a narcissist leaves one feeling deflated
At first, interaction with a narcissist may be exciting and uplifting as they tend to use compliments, gifts, and similarities lavishly to impress and draw people into their fold, thereby also eliciting support, approval, and other positive feelings. They appear to be understanding and appreciative of their new colleague, partner, or friend’s efforts and qualities. Soon, however, their attention seems to waver and, while they still demand and expect approval, their focus moves to other targets. With their center of interest and activity divided, they often become controlling and manipulative to try and maintain their power. Others experience such a change as confusing and unsettling and may even blame themselves and become insecure. A healthy self-esteem, however, is linked to greater consistency in interpersonal relations and shared experiences that are not conditional.
#10 – Narcissists act entitled and superior
Lastly, and corresponding to many previous points, narcissists expect and believe that they deserve all the privileges and admiration that they can obtain from others in whatever way. Whether they deserve it or it is based on actual substance is not significant. Their behavior is just a means to an end, which is to get their narcissistic supply so that they can continue to feel good about themselves and superior to others. Their appraisal of themselves compared to other people may be a false fantasy, but it is a fixed and enduring part of their personality and challenging to make them understand otherwise. Due to their persistent lack of insight and unreasonable expectations, they often fail big or fade into obscurity, for them a fate worse than failure. In comparison, high self-esteem means having a realistic sense of confidence in one’s skills and abilities and a preparedness to do introspection when things do not go as planned.
These ten differences between narcissism and a healthy self-esteem highlight the fact that narcissism is an unhealthy and destructive attitude, and is not only harmful to persons in contact with the narcissist, but to himself as well as these traits impede personal development and insight.
If you think you or someone else you know may have narcissistic traits, do a quick test to find out. Read more about a research study exploring narcissism and self-esteem and learn about five movies with narcissistic female lead characters.