MIAMI, FL -- Police officers discovered 31-year-old Rudy Eugene eating 65-year-old Ronald Poppo's face on a busy Miami highway ramp on Tuesday. Citizens across the country are hoping that this is the beginning of a zombie apocalypse, supporting a report released last summer.
Though probably the most lurid, Eugene's episode is not the only scene that has prompted excitement about the prospect of the country being overrun by the living dead. Mysterious rashes and flesh-eating incidents have cropped up throughout Florida in the last few weeks.
"Dude, I sit in a cubicle all day," said Marjorie Daugherty, a 46-year-old job placement officer. "Of course, I'd rather join a ragtag band of survivors, lighting up zombies in creative ways -- Gatling guns, ninja swords, whatever -- on our journey to find the last remnants of society."
"If society collapsed, I'm pretty sure I'd get time off from school," said Emily Perez, University of Miami junior.
Governor Rick Scott has not issued a state of emergency, but he really, really hopes that he gets to do it.
"Believe it or not, we have a zombie apocalypse contingency plan," said Governor Scott. "It's pretty fucking awesome."
Originally featured in The Daily Pygmy.