America has been left in disarray after the World Health Organization stated that processed meats, including bacon, may be a cause cancer.
"It just doesn't make sense. I feel betrayed..." said quadruple bypass survivor Kevin Donnelly.
"You spend your whole life eating something, morning after morning, and occasionally at lunch and dinner, only to find that it may have been killing you all along" he continued, eventually, after taking multiple breaks to catch his breath and wipe sweat off of his brow.
Other meats that the World Health Organization has classified as potentially cancer causing include hot dogs and salami.
"Next thing you know they're going to tell you that Ding Dongs, Ho-Hos, and Jalapeño Poppers are bad for you too. I just don't know what to believe anymore. If I can't trust the Boar's Head Premium Meats, I don't think I can trust anyone."
It is unclear what America will eat now that it has been betrayed and lied to by the meat industry. Maybe gross leaves and crap like that, who knows.