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National Guard Will Be Deployed to Every U.S. Family's Thanksgiving Dinner

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As protests continue in the wake of Donald Trump's election as President, plans have been made for deploying the National Guard to every United States family's Thanksgiving Day dinner, in order to prevent inevitable violence. "This is the emergency situation members of the Guard have been preparing for since Trump won the nomination," said Brick Uttelstatt, spokesperson/Armageddon advisor for the Georgia National Guard. "Liquor, an assortment of carving tools, and politically opposed relatives who don't want to be in the same room under the best circumstances will be a particularly dangerous mix this November 24th."

Across the country, Guard and Reserve members have engaged in a variety of drills to prepare themselves for the ugliness awaiting them. For some, it's a reminder of similar events from Thanksgivings past. "I still have flashbacks to when I was called in after Obama got elected in 2008," remembers a still-shaken Colonel Bradley Skeltmonn.

"My unit was sent to a beautiful 1810 Southern Colonial house in Georgia. The family was talking, eating, watching Tennessee crush the Lions. And then, someone said McCain was out of touch and all hell broke loose. I did two tours in Fallujah, but I never saw anything that compares to what happened at that dinner table. The last thing I remember is the patriarch gutting his own son with a Hamilton Beach Electric Knife and ramming a drumstick down his throat, yelling, 'Community organizer! Community organizer!'"

Skeltmonn concluded, "I lost a lot of good men that day. And Thanksgiving next week is going to make that day look like a fucking picnic."

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