National Security and Privacy Secretly Wed in Las Vegas

LAS VEGAS, NV - JANUARY 1:  This photo shows an aerial view of hotels and casinos on the Las Vegas, NV strip, as fireworks li
LAS VEGAS, NV - JANUARY 1: This photo shows an aerial view of hotels and casinos on the Las Vegas, NV strip, as fireworks light up the sky 01 January 2001. An estimated 300,000 people watched the fireworks usher in the new millennium. LAS VEGAS NEWS BUREAU (Photo credit should read BRIAN JONES/AFP/Getty Images)

Following months of rumors, it's been revealed that Privacy and National Security were secretly married weeks ago in Las Vegas, Nevada. "We're tired of all the naysayers constantly describing us as incompatible. We'll show you. We'll show you all! Ha!" the couple wrote in a phone text message to friends that was, ironically, extracted by government analysts randomly searching piles of metadata.

The pair exchanged vows at the Holy Chapel of the Inebriates and chose a Western-themed ceremony which featured tumbleweeds, yodelers, but did not include a cash-only minister fee of $60. "They made such a lovely couple," said one of the witnesses who wished to remain anonymous; he was later identified as 58-year-old Byron Hattentoll through information extracted by government analysts randomly searching piles of metadata.

(Breaking news: Eight hours after the wedding, Privacy and National Security filed for divorce, citing Constitutionally irreconcilable differences. Their mutual acquaintance Due Process noted: "Duh.")