I had the spirit earlier in the week but after 2 failed trips to get a tree and the house in the middle of a renovation, it seemed the "spirit" had gone the way of the lost limbs of the Douglas firs hanging out in the tree tent.
The ups and downs of grief are heightened during the holidays. No doubt about it. The thing is, there's not much that can be done outside of riding the wave and making sure we stay on the board.
I lost Mami in 2011. This was her favorite holiday. I went to her favorite store to pick up a real tree and managed to add one more trigger to my list. Sometimes the motions of day-to-day just compounds and creates a surge of emotions.
For me, at least for the moment, it meant rage. Which I have to neatly tuck into my shirt pocket because there's no way my 7-year old should see it. Especially when she talked about her abuela and missing her.
Grief. Compounded.
Last year, I dislike my tree. I disliked the fact that the fantasy of mermaid blue and red decorations were not to be because I couldn’t find the blue from my dreams. I'm slightly annoyed that my tree didn't flow widely at the bottom. Because the only thing that can make the holidays okay are the things that don't really matter. Right? It was easier to get mad at the tree than at the fact that Mami isn't here.
Grief. Dissected.
I go through it. I experience it. I try to learn more and more with each special occasion that I get the privilege of being a part of.
During Christmas, I do this dance. Two steps forward, one step back. Uplifting words in the morning and fighting the need to crawl into bed as the day goes by.
Joy and pain.
And yet here I am. As are many of us silently holding our grief at a distance so as not to spoil the season for others. There are a few things that we can and should do for ourselves, though. A few things that will allow us to better cope with the grief during this time of the year.
Know your triggers, give yourself space. Show yourself some grace. These are few of the things I discussed in Not So Merry & Bright: 10 Tips On How to Cope with Grief During the Holidays. I wrote that more as a reminder to myself than anything else. Because I still stumble upon grief. Mostly, it feels like that Lego you know you moved but find yourself stepping on a day later. Because it just moves itself.
The holidays are difficult but they can still be enjoyed. I'd like to think I cherish them a little bit more because of my loss. Grief for me means that I loved well because if I didn't, it wouldn't matter. So I keep that tucked away near my heart.
I look forward to Noche Buena at my house filled with the Dominicans and the joy. All that my heart needs will be there to help me celebrate and fall in love with the season all over again. Mami's spirit included.
If you've experienced a loss, my heart goes out to you. I pray this season brings you comfort and joy and that you find the space to allow both the remembering of your loved one and the special moments of the season to live in your heart.