'Can I Take These Walnuts Out of My Vagina?': Navigating Alternative Healing*

Do you want to die? I don't want to die. I kind of want to keep this whole living thing going for a while. I mean, not so much so that I want to become a transhumanist and download my consciousness into an android, but I do want to live as long I can.

But the thing about staying alive is you have to take care of your body -- so it doesn't start breaking down and leaking mysterious fluids.

When I was young, I didn't think about health much -- mortality was this distant myth that only applied to other people. I spent a good portion of my 20s drinking more tequila than I did water and genuinely believing Fruity Pebbles was a reasonable dinner. Colors are food groups, right? But eventually people tend to hit a point where they realize that abusing their bodies isn't sustainable, and that point is usually when we notice we are deteriorating.

Now that I am in my 30s, I have to be more responsible about my health. Gone are the days where I solved all concerns with a bong hit and then eating the frosting off a cupcake. But I am not a huge fan of the medical establishment. I once went in to get my teeth cleaned, and then left the dentist's office with no wisdom teeth. I guess getting patients high on nitrous and then suggesting major oral surgery is a good business strategy, but it is not the best circumstance of which to make major financial decisions like spending $3,000 on creating gaping wounds in your mouth.

Then there was the time I had an operation on my ankle and was later handed back my underwear in a plastic bag. Maybe when unconscious I suddenly needed to be without panties as my foot was cut open -- but it seemed slightly unnecessary.

My instinct when dealing with health issues is to go the natural route. I just do what any normal person does when faced with an unknown ailment -- I look up my symptoms on the Internet, think for a moment that I have the Ebola virus, cry, realize I don't and it's just a bug bite, and then try to find a cure for the itching. Btw, if you want to have nightmares for the rest of your life, try self-diagnosing a rash by doing a Google image search. But I would much rather dig through my kitchen in search for yack butter to spread on a festering skin problem than spend the day in a waiting room.

A lot of these home remedies actually work, too -- you just have to be open-minded. For instance, try pureeing raw onion and then apply directly on any burn -- just ignore the fact that you smell like dolphin vagina for a few days. Have the flu? "Nature's flu shot" is quite effective -- that is, if you don't mind drinking copious amounts of cayenne pepper, which tastes a bit like licking the sweat off Satan's balls. Garlic cloves are great for yeast infections, but may deter your vampire boyfriend from going down on you later.

Holistic healers can also be helpful, but it takes a certain mental disposition to be down with them. My acupuncturist is a sorceress the way she fixes every problem I bring to her, but she also sticks needles in me and then twists them around -- and she doesn't even give me a safety word! I have had amazing results with cleanses and colonics. But having someone hold a hose up your ass while chatting about their vacation as you watch compacted shit travel down a clear tube inches from your face is not for everyone. Then there are energy workers, who connect to your subtle body with their witchy ways. This is usually a peaceful experience, but you may question whether or not they are just watching you take a nap -- which I hear is a thing in Japan right now.

Obviously if you wind up with an ax lodged in your skull, you should go to the emergency room, but for mild ailments why not try alternative methods? You can avoid some of the nasty side effects of conventional treatment, like how some diet pills may cause spontaneous anal discharge. Western medicine has its place, but so do natural remedies. True, you may end up in a shamanic ceremony, ingesting cricket tears while facing Grandmother Moon as you get adorned with sacred centaur feathers and positive intentions, but is that really crazier than a doctor cupping your balls while you cough?

By and large, alternative practitioners are the real deal and you will almost always feel some benefit for treatment. Unless this video is your exact experience, proceed without worry.

*Beware of food allergies when inserting any food objects into a non-digestive orifice.