Never Stop Believing in Yourself Unless You're Absolutely Sure That You're a Loser

My patient only has two days to live. I told him, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

I'm listening to a mash-up of Kesha and Me Screaming For It To Stop.

I ate an entire plate of pot brownies and got a real sugar high.

For just a few dollars a day, you can help a starving African child buy lottery tickets.

I would never let the government take away my gum.

You know what you never hear? "My life is so happy and fulfilled. Hey -- let's go to a nightclub."

I truly hope it works out between whichever Kardashian and the next professional athlete she marries.

You know what they say about meth-coated potato chips; Bet You Can't Eat Just One.

The woman ahead of me in the supermarket aisle took forever because she paid by barter.

I only read articles about naked women for the articles.

I can't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning. And yet I can still remember the popular kids from high school.

I'm feeling great because my mortician gave me a clean bill of health today.

My wife and I hate each other, but we're staying together for the sake of the children we might eventually have.

We were trapped in a house fire, but it wasn't uncomfortable because it was a dry heat.

I consider myself bipartisan because I'm sexually attracted to both political views.

Thank you for coming to my garage sale. And here's a garbage bag to carry home your purchases.

It's sad that more American children can name 'Ronald McDonald' than can name the President of McDonaldland.

I don't let my kids watch TV because of all the sex & violence I'm having next to it.

My lucky day! I found 30 million dollar Picasso painting at a garage sale for just 12 million.

I don't believe in "flags." My allegiance is to the Pledge.

I only send Facebook friend requests to people I may know.

We don't want the kids eating junk food. That's why my wife and I keep all the snacks in our bedroom.

I'm starting to think that Prince Charles will never become the king of beers.

I constantly warn my kids about the dangers of smoking pot without a prescription.

My mom keeps nagging me to find a nice girl & fall in love. She doesn't care about my happiness; she's just tired of being a teapot.

Not counting Norbit, name the best movie you've ever seen.

I like to go to the zoo and watch the people at the concession stand.

You know what you never hear? "You're never too old to wear a Speedo."

I don't understand why people would want to alter their mind by using drugs... is one of the many thoughts I have while high.

I don't have an accent, but it's very thick.

My son is allergic to peanuts. So during family meals, he has to leave.

I hope I never become famous because I hate my fans.

They say when you have sex with someone, you're never more than six degrees from Kevin Bacon.

Are you in the Middle Class? Here's how to calculate your wealth; (Your Income + Your Assets minus Your Debt) x Zero = Your Wealth

My grandmother died in her sleep. (I waited until nighttime to shoot her.)

I would never try crystal meth unless it was literally right in front of me.

When drug companies want to test out a new placebo, what do they give the control group?

During dinner, everyone has to turn off their cell phone so we can have a nice family discussion about what to watch on TV during dinner.

I keep all my ex-girlfriends on speed dial because it's hard to remember phone numbers when you're drunk at three in the morning.

I hope my life has a surprise twist ending.

I never show up to work drunk. However, I sometimes leave work that way.

If, instead of prison, the punishment was "an all expense paid trip to Europe for a week", that would still deter me from committing crime.

Before Twitter, we used to have to send our tweets through the mail.

Don't make gasoline jokes because I'm dieselly offended.

Why does everything have to be so instantaneous? Take some time to reflect. I'm going to join Eventuagram.

I would only consider running for President if my sit-com pilot doesn't get picked up.

I suffer from a fear of not being afraid of anything.

My position on "intelligent design" is still evolving.

I've set the bar low... due to the number of shorter drinkers here tonight.

My wedding day was the happiest day of my life because that's the day I won forty bucks on a scratch-off ticket.

I have my privacy settings up so that only friends and friends of friends can receive my unsolicited dick pics.

I received my doctorate in "avoiding the real world by staying in school well past the appropriate age."

Never stop believing in yourself unless you're absolutely sure that you're a loser.

Kids today have it easy. When I was young, I had to walk three miles in the snow to get my porn.

"Open the safe and give me the money! This is a stick-up! Oh- and I'd also like to deposit this check."

I went to a psychic who told me that my house would burn down. I was amazed because there's no way she could've known I was an arsonist.

I tattooed your name on our relationship, but I don't think it's permanent.

My friend's birthday is on 9-11. Every year I wish him a very somber birthday.

I'm filming a documentary about why I'm so unsuccessful. Hopefully, this will be my big break.

I went to a gay dating site. I'm not gay, but I figure everyone always lies on those things, anyway.

Friends are just lovers you're not attracted to.

If dogs could speak English, they'd probably say "bark" and "woof" a lot.

If I had a time machine, I'd travel two seconds into the future to see how this sentence turns out.

I know a guy who makes a living teaching people how to carry a purse & hammer nails. But what kind of idiot would hire a purse & nail trainer?

My child's teacher is sick. So I'm having a parent/teacher conference with the sub.

I'm not homeless. Every night I just need a place to crash.

My wife and I won't let our son play football because he's so bad at it.

I don't let my kids use their cell phones at the dinner table... unfortunately, I can't enforce the rule since we eat separately.

I'm reading a magazine on the plane. I hope the guy sitting next to me takes the hint and starts up a conversation.

According to the home pregnancy kit, my wife is having a baby. But just to make sure, we made an appointment with the Maury Povich show.

It's better to give than to receive... especially 'death threats'.

My loyal friend is an obsessive gun owner, which is why I know he'll never stab me in the back.

When I was a young boy, I wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut because they get all the best pussy.

I found out my wife was cheating on me through Facebook! (She changed her relationship status to "cheating.")

I allow my children to bully other kids at school as long as they keep their grades up.

If Lindsay Lohan and the Hulk had a baby together, the baby would constantly be getting smashed.

If you are a black cat, is it bad luck to walk in front of a superstitious imbecile?

The world may never know if OJ Simpson really feels bad about murdering those people.

I hate when teachers stifle creativity. Hence, I tell my students that 2+2= anything they want it to be.

At weddings, they usually sit me at the enemies table.

"Let's not kid ourselves" is what I said right before we turned on the humans-morphing-into-baby-goats machine.

Laughter *was* the best medicine. But now there's Prozac.

I have an American flag cooking in the oven, but there should be a Constitutional amendment against burning it.

My fiancé finally got a chance to meet my friends with benefits.

I ask that the media respect my family's privacy during this difficult time of us being on a reality show.

I'm concerned that my son will grow up to be a serial killer because he's only 11-years-old and he has already started killing people.

I'm writing four-hour play about what it feels like to sit in the audience. I hope audiences like it.

I wrote a kids joke! QUESTION: How many monsters does it take to change a light bulb? ANSWER: Look under your bed tonight to find out.

It should be illegal to spank your children unless it's in self-defense.

When I play basketball against Al-Qaeda, I never spot them any points because that's letting the terrorists win.

I don't think you're supposed to interpret televangelist Pat Robertson literally.

I hate you specifically because you're you... but don't take it personally.

Big Brother may be spying on you. But, when I was a kid, my big sister made me wear dresses. That was worse.

And on the 8th day, God created the dormant alien species that will eventually rise up from the ocean and kill us all.

I started my own religion, but I'm non-practicing.

I'm seeking Donald Trump's advice on how to be born into money.

I always stand during the National Anthem because it's impossible to dance while sitting.

I performed my stand-up act for a group of subatomic particles determined by their invariant mass. It was no laughing matter.

When I was on the operating room table, I saw a white light and an angel who said, "Tell people about this on a talk show."

We need to legalize marijuana, or at least make it easier to get.

My nudist colony lets you carry a concealed weapon.

8th Rule of Fight Club: Clean up after yourself.

When people try to keep you from reaching your dreams, just flip it around and try to prevent them from reaching their dreams.

I'm not very high up on the "liver transplant" list. I'm not too concerned, though, since I don't need a new liver.

What's interesting is that even if people are having a nightmare, they'd still rather sleep in than go to work.

I named my boy "Sue." That way it will be more convenient if he ever gets a sex change.

Here's another kids joke for adults. QUESTION: Why won't a grizzly with a flashlight make you fat? ANSWER: It's a light bear.

I'm looking for an oldies rap station.

My lucky day! I found a 20-dollar bill on the sidewalk. It was just lying there next to the wallet I stole.

I wish people would just leave me alone while I'm bothering them.

Gas prices in Colorado are so high.

Presidential historians rank Donald Trump as the worst President the nation would have ever had.

According to my job evaluation, I spend too much time goofing off and... ooh, I better get back to work -- my boss just came back.

Last night I dreamt that I couldn't get to sleep. I woke up tired.

I'm not hitchhiking. I just like to give cars the thumbs up.

I hate trying to make conversation with birds of prey because it's always so hawkward.

My phone number is easy to remember because it's also my Internet password. So give me a call sometime at 123-4567.