“There were times when I didn’t think I would make it through the agony of death and loss. Times when the raw grief seemed to encompass my new found fragile heart like fog over the river at dawn.”
The grief moved through cycles without any rhyme or reason. No pattern, just chaos. No structure just absurd movements in adjacent directions, never knowing what to anticipate until it was there, right up front, demanding my attention.
I got used to grief’s disguised patterns, the waves falling gently in and out of my life providing what seemed to be a slow, intense addiction to the pain of sorrow. Time and time again I found that when I let myself fully lean into the waves of grief it proved over and over again to provide me with a secure reminder of the love that I had for my husband who died.
A constancy that I needed in a world that seemed to be spinning wildly out of my control.
And so it went; grief in it’s rawest form. Me craving over and over the in-depth sadness to remind me of what I had lost, for when I felt this sadness, I proved to myself once again that what I lost was real. The relationship, the love, the identity, and the human tangible body that no longer stood in front of me. The pain of sorrow reminded me of it all.
The cycles of pain simultaneously corresponded with me putting one foot in front of the other within my day to day activities. With the motions of work, friends and family I slowly found a new normalcy that was sprinkled constantly and effortlessly with despondency.
But… time continued onward.
“The times when I didn’t think I would make it through slowly made their way further and further apart. The tears spilled less and less while joy moved in more and more. At the beginning of my journey I was told that this would happen, but I don’t think I actually believed that it really would. “
But… they were right.
I slowly felt the light of the world becoming a new constant like an old friend that came back to town after a long and uninterrupted time away. I started to realize that I didn’t have to rely on the pain of sorrow to remind me of the love I have for the one I lost.
What I lost will forever be etched into my heart, our love never fading but instead remaining as much a part of me as the organs in which I rely on.
The fact that most of us will one day know the depths of grief in which I speak of is both comforting and tortuous. I know that I now understand the heights of pain that exist just around the corner and It is in this singular understanding that shapes the basis of my new found content heart.
Through the lens of my new reality I often sit and wonder about the fog that has finally lifted. I wonder if I am indeed healed of the pain or if I have actually just hidden it well beneath new jobs and profound friends.
I wonder if I have indeed let go of the addiction to pain and sorrow.
I wonder if I wear a mask of normalcy that hides the reality of my past. I wonder if I will always wonder about death being just around the corner, my new life reminding me of what I don’t have anymore, what I have lost.
I wonder if I will fall madly, deeply in love once again.
I wonder if I do in fact fall in love once again, if they will die as well.
While I share here of the intimacy within my heart, I also want to share the absolute knowledge I have that within all of this wondering, I find a salty comfort in the unknown answers. In the knowledge that I don’t know, that I may never know all I want to know, but I will continue onward with an inquisitive heart.
Recently I have started a new, dynamic and life-changing job, and I’ve moved back to a city that holds a piece of my heart. Through all of this I have ten thousand thoughts that run through my mind as I venture down new paths of dating and brighter realities.
“The pain of sorrow fading into a new understanding that grief’s even and constant breath will inevitably continue to affect my life as I move forward, but that it’s ok to let it look differently than it has in my past”
And, as I sit here reflecting on the journey of grief and my present reality, I am thankful to feel less weight from the burden of pain and sorrow. It is within these brief glimpses of truth that I hold firmly to the understanding that I am exactly where I was always going to be, I just didn’t know it yet.
It’s a crazy life, I’m all in.