New Conservative Group Decries Tea Partiers for Not Being Conservative Enough
March 12, 2010, Placer, California --
The Home Front Protection Front (HFPF) held its founding conclave today at the Ebeneezer Rapture Holy Christ of Jesus Church. It was attended by thirty-five area residents, who reported feeling called to form a new political movement, disgusted with what they denounced as the "stench of liberal compromise" emanating from the Tea Party Movement, Glenn Beck, and the Republican Party.
From the dias, 53-year-old grocer Hephaestus Boont declared, "I've devoted my life to these clowns -- the John Birch Society, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, the Tea Parties. But I've had it! Today's so-called conservatives are not conservative enough! We need a group that will be truly uncompromising in its convictions, in its right-wingltasticness."
One organizer, who asked not to be quoted by name for fear of the Jews in the NSA finding her house, said, "America is at stake and we will fight to the death to defend our way of life. We believe that the true measure of womanhood is to churn your own butter while giving birth. I voted for Sarah Palin, but I don't believe a woman's place is to kill a moose. We should leave that to the menfolk."
The bulk of the day's sessions were devoted to working through the minutiae of the movement's political program. Platform upon platform were ratified establishing principles of unity such as Indoor Plumbing is a Gay Conspiracy, Blacks Belong in the Zoo, Manifest Your Destiny, and Honey-Baked Ham is Great.
During a particularly heated debate, Alexander Kennebunkport explained, "I have a life-sized cardboard Congresswoman Michele Bachmann in my living room window to scare away predators. No, I don't have health insurance. When I go to work every day at the quarry, I think how much I hate the communists at the Federal Reserve. How can we ever live truly free if we're not back on the gold standard in a barter economy?"
The convocation adjourned early due to an inability to agree on whether to call themselves a movement or a party. Round the clock mediation is scheduled where the parties hope to break the impasse and move forward to debate whether their logo should be a confederate flag embedded inside a US flag, or Christ in the boat with George Washington crossing the Delaware.
Nato Green is a San Francisco-based stand-up comedian who performs with Laughter Against the Machine.