New Facebook Changes Include Strobe Lights, Random Drug Tests

Users of the social network Facebook can look forward to a number of stylistic changes that will soon be implemented, which include the combining of all News Feeds and messages into one long paragraph; text in Zapf Dingbats; and random drug tests conducted right through the computer screen. "This is a very exciting development for Facebook users," said Facebook designer Marcus Rathomm. "We always want to make our site exciting and unpredictable, and we think everyone will enjoy the constant surprises in store, especially since they will be implemented every 15 minutes."

Facebook subscribers are still unsure of such additions as the strobe light effect, which causes seizures in household pets, and the replacement of all user photos with the 1968 shot of Nguyen Ngoc Loan executing Nguyen Van Lem. Some critics have also questioned the wisdom of the new "lottery" system, in which private information is officially shared with a variety of death row inmates, multinational corporations, FBI databases, movie studios, WikiLeaks and deposed Ethiopian princes. "It has been the primary goal of Facebook to make the world more open and connected," said Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg. "Our changes are making this possible and preparing users for when their accounts inevitably get hacked."

If Facebook subscribers don't like the new features, they can revert to the original settings. "Returning is simple," said Facebook technical support advisor Richard Tuvoise. "Simply go to the top right corner of the screen, hit 'Account Settings' and 'Privacy Settings' simultaneously, then press 'New, Better.' Then press 'Back to the Way I Actually Liked It Once I Got Through Complaining About That, Too,' write an essay on The World As Will and Representation, then take a spectrolight analysis and retinal scan. Then, travel to Mordor, find the hidden map, press 'New Old New Privacy,' drink the blood of a centaur, and change the selection from 'New Old New Old' to 'New Old New Old New Old.' If anyone has problems, hit 'Help,' and his or her questions will be ignored."