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New Scientific Study Reveals Bush is a Chimp

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A new study reported in Science found that while chimps and orangs could count and add as well as human children, only humans were able to learn by watching others and seeing how they do things. It is now possible to understand the peculiar inability of the Bush administration to profit from the experiences of others.

Prior to reading this new study I was under the mistaken impression that Bush was a parrot, because of his apparent inability to say anything about Iraq except 'progress is being made', which he repeats mechanically every time the topic is raised. But now the scales have fallen from my eyes: Bush is a chimp. It seems so obvious now, watching him speak.

For example:

(1) Every few weeks the Europeans capture terrorists and prevent them from blowing up things. Even from blowing up Americans. And they do this without destroying democratic rights and freedoms. Bush can see this behavior, but, like the chimps, pays no attention and instead, sends more troops to Iraq, destroys more democratic freedoms, and ends the rule of law in America--the result of which has been only to create more and more terrorists and keep hundreds of innocent people imprisoned for years, while laughably few serious terrorists have been convicted.

(2) Every civilized country in the world has a viable healthcare system except the United States, and they're all a whole lot cheaper--partly because they don't pay huge 'overhead' to insurance companies--money spent largely in finding ways to cheat us out of our benefits. American longevity rates, infant mortality rates, and other indices of health are the worst in the industrialized world. And no, Mr. Bigot, it's not because of immigration--all those countries are flooded with immigrants, too. But Bush, chimp-like, persists in touting our 'free' system, even though it's the most expensive and least effective in the world.

(3) All problems facing the United States today are international ones, yet under the Bush administration our nation has become a minority of one--refusing to ratify even the most transparently necessary international accords--refusing, in true chimp fashion, to pay attention to how everyone else is solving these problems; preferring to persist in out-dated policies and old-fashioned attitudes. The Kyoto protocol has been or is in the process of being, ratified by every nation in the world except the United States and Australia (currently also suffering under chimp leadership). International corporations (with the exception of Exxon-Mobil which spent half a billion dollars on propaganda trying to convince the public that global warming was a myth) are competing with one another to achieve sustainability, while up until two years ago Bush was still denying that climate change was occurring. His solution? More oil exploration. But what can we expect from a president whose energy policy was written by Enron executives. We look forward to 2008 when we can say at last, 'Goodbye, Mr. Chimp'.

Bill Clinton once pointed out that every problem we face in America is being solved somewhere in the world. He felt the greatest failure of his administration was that he couldn't get these solutions to be replicated here in America. Maybe Bush isn't the only chimp. There seem to be quite a few in Congress--many of whom have never been out of their compound. And in the electorate as well. Maybe there's something in those burgers and fries that's affecting American genes as well as American waistlines. Maybe we're all turning into chimps.