New Star Wars Trailer Divides Fans Over How Pathetic They Really Are

On Friday, the 88-second trailer for the upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens debuted online and in theaters, immediately dividing fans over how pathetic their lives really are. "I drove two hours to the Regal Warrington Crossing Stadium 22 & IMAX and got a ticket for Horrible Bosses 2 just to see it," said Irving Forblooth of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. "After I wrote a twelve-page reaction on my 'Oy, With the Lens Flare' blog, I realized what a deeply profound loser I am. And I am. Oh, yes, by the Dark Lords of the Sith, I am!"

Many fans of the Star Wars franchise disagree about being pitiful caricatures, just because they are fastidiously dissecting the trailer of a film that won't be opening in theaters for more than a year. "There's no shame in my passion for Star Wars," says Neil LeBargues, who teaches a yearly Comic-Con seminar "Fan Fiction: How Faulkner Would Have Written Leia Blowing Han." LeBargues adds: "If writing a doctoral thesis on methodology and epistemology of economics in the Trade Federation and Neimoidian labor disputes makes me pathetic, then call me pathetic."

Others, like Mina Talwool, are more unsure. "I saw the first one when I was twelve. I should be over it by now. I really should. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!"