New Study of Talk Show Host Brains Calls For Compassion Not Scorn

New Study of Talk Show Host Brains Calls For Compassion Not Scorn
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"You Wouldn't Ridicule Someone With Parkinson's*, Then Why Mock Anyone With A Brain Disease."
2007-12-17-lolbrain.jpg A new study released by Bio-psychological Medicine (BM) Journal offers clear evidence that the brains of the radio/TV talk show host/pundit, thought to be synthetically influenced by environmental and partisan pressure, is fundamentally hardwired differently than the normal human brain due to in utero developmental malformation of the embryonic nervous system in the first three months of fetal development. (See: Rosemary Baby's brain)

The study calls for a new category within the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) to cover the brain-behavioral syndrome (see map and legend below) with the oral and anal local ganglia, the term "Cephalinguanal Syndrome" (Ceph/Syn) is proposed by the research team due to define Ceph/Syn sufferers' unique behavioral capacity for incessant oral emissions, both diurnal and nocturnal, that emanate from the confluence of the left and right glutei maximi.

While the normal brain is the site of reason and intelligence, the talk show host brain, dependent on bias and fanaticism to filter information, cannot distinguish rumor from fact.

Where the frontal lobe of the normal cerebrum controls reasoning, emotions, judgment, and voluntary movement, the cerebrum of the talk show host brain relies strictly on the neocon-cortex, which delivers Republican talking points, making voluntary movement impossible.

Where the normal brain sees the death of thousands of American troops and hundreds of thousands of those in a land you invaded for no good reason as despicable, the diseased talk show host brain secured in a body that never served a day of military service, will consider it America at its best.

Where the normal brain considers cuts in Veterans Benefits during wartime while trillions are wasted in a burgeoning quagmire of deadly mistakes while those once sympathetic to our 9/11 suffering turned against us, the deformed talk show host brain swaggers.

Where the normal brain is embarrassed that the richest, most powerful nation in history leaves the poorest without proper health coverage, the talk show host brain believe tax cuts for the richest are a necessity.

Where the normal brain sees the intentional division of people through deceit and scapegoating of half of America as treasonous, the talk show host brain believes that this is an uber-patriotic method of attaining riches.

Where once we might blame talk show hosts for some sort of evil intent, we now know there are physiological reasons.

The typical human brain houses more than 100 billion neurons, which process and transmit information. The talk show host brain can only accommodate a single neuron which carries information originating inside the anal cavity directly to the vocal chord generating not as much a coherent thought as viral gastroenteritis (diarrhea) of the mouth.

Researchers participating in the study hope that their work will generate a new understanding of a zealot's incessant appetite for approval and book sales, not as a deliberate or calculated effort to spread malice and perversion of the truth, but as an uncontrollable disorder which unfortunately can infect those innocents who may ingest the diseased brain's sediment as fact. The study encourages humane treatment of these talk show hosts in keeping with the now-standard "People-First" language of disabilities. It is urged that we no longer refer to these people as "talk show hosts/pundits", or the somewhat pejorative if not inaccurate term "lying bastards", and instead adopt the new ICD terminology: People with Cephalinguanal Syndrome'."

"What is sad, is that most people do not understand that talk show hosts cannot help what they do any more than a large, wet fart can stop from smelling up a small classroom," stated Dr. H. Dansky. "Except for O'Reilly. He's just a dick."

Detail of the diseased talk show host brain follows.

2007-12-17-lolbrain.jpg
Foxnewswashingtontimeswallstjournal Lobe - Sensory center for misinformation.

Goebbels Corpus Callosum - A large bundle of nerve fibers that connect the left and right cerebral hemispheres allowing the talk show host to scapegoat anyone or anything not white, Christian and Republican.

O'Reillylum - Prevents ability to tell the truth even when it is shoved in your face. Secretes an interrupting/talking-over-others/paranoia/hypocritical discharge that grossly increases the size of the ego to proportions larger than the skull sometimes forcing its way into the thyroid causing a large goiter-like bulge where the neck should be. Prompts visions of fictional "Wars" and Secular-progressive demons around every corner. (See McCarthybellum and the musical, "How Hitler Scapegoated The Jews"). Also controls the desire to sexually harass subordinates, endlessly pat one's self on the back and sue imaginary enemies into attaining massive sales of books.

Beckbulldungata - Deletes any evidence of evidence. Enforces style over substance. Also known as Danecook's Disorder.

Savagelium - Section of the brain that stimulates pure, unfettered hate. (See: Hitler brain diagram)

*Limbaugh Anal Lobe - Known as the "Brain's Ass," for its incredible physical similarity to the buttocks, this lobe is accordingly located in the rear of the brain. Influences ability to pull things directly from cyst-burdened posterior. Constricts compassion when ridiculing the disabled.

Gibsonwannabe Cord - Controls perpetual desire to be like the big boys. In the right-wing female pundit brain it is known as the Coulter Malkintent

Marklevinal Grating Gland - Sucks the air from the room, triggering a repulsive lack of control in volume and loathsomeness. Though the sound it produces appears to emanate from the nasal cavity, as with most talk show host brains it is derived directly from the anus. Persons standing within twenty feet of the sound emitted from the Marklevinal Gland may suffer involuntary nausea.

Hannitary Gland - Controls the loading up of a question creating as much as a five minutes introduction prior to being able to asking it. Also increases ability to deceive listeners to think the host is just like them.

Williamkristolata - Controls the ability to be wrong every single time while continually being asked to give an opinion.

Award-winning TV writer, Steve Young, is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (www.greatfailure.com) and his "All The News That's Fit To Spoof" appears in L.A. Daily News opeds every Sunday(www.dailynews.com/columnists).

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