20 New Year's Resolutions For The Foodie

What if foodies weren't horrible?

Everybody loves to hate foodies. They're pretentious, snobby and annoying. We've seen enough #FoodPorn Instagrams and we've heard enough about the amazing "hole-in-the-wall" restaurant you "discovered." We care not what chefs you claim to be besties with, and really don't care if we're pronouncing "orecchiette" wrong.

Maybe this year food-obsessors should take some time to self-reflect and consider why everybody is so fed up with them. There's hope, we think. Here are some resolutions that foodies everywhere should try this year:

I won't Instagram every single thing I eat.
Because nobody cares.
I won't pretend to understand all of Rene Redzepi's cookbook, "A Work in Progress."
Phaidon Press
Because no one could ever recreate "An Apple Falls Into Grass," even if they think they could.
I won't ask the waiter a thousand questions I already know the answer to, and grill him on his responses, whatever they may be.
Because nobody likes a show off, and you never want to piss off the person serving you food.
I won't automatically praise something because it's "street food."
Tammerz via Getty Images
Because there is such a thing as bad street food.
I won't forage.
Because that's what squirrels do, and just because you can eat the weeds in the park doesn't mean you should.
I won't brew my own beer.
It doesn't taste good anyway.
Or my own kombucha.
The Washington Post via Getty Images
'Cuz it's just nasty.
I won't claim things are "authentic" when I really have no idea.
Who do I think I am? And who do I think I'm kidding?
I won't invite my friends over and offer them homemade soda when all they really want is ALCOHOL.
SodaStream Facebook
Because that's just rude.
I won't think my food blog is special.
It isn't.
I won't name drop April Bloomfield as if she's my best friend.
She isn't.
I won't judge my friends for not ordering the bone marrow.
Not everyone has to like it.
I won't make my friends wait for hours to eat brunch somewhere trendy.
Clinton Street Baking Company Facebook
Because it's not a matter of want, but need, and they NEED an egg sandwich and Bloody Mary to the face RIGHT NOW.
I won't hoard restaurant recommendations so I can get there first.
I won't needlessly try to pronounce foods in other accents.
Digital Vision via Getty Images
Because I either sound like an idiot or pretentious, or most likely both.
I will never "check in" anywhere ever again.
Especially at a fancy restaurant.
I won't take credit for "discovering" a new restaurant that I actually read about on someone's blog.
Tinyevilhog via Getty Images
It. Doesn't. Matter.
I won't pretend I know the first thing about wine.
And if I do know something, I won't be a dick about it.
I won't hold everyone else up at the farmers' market because I want to know every purveyor's life story.
Betsie Van der Meer via Getty Images
Some people have other things to do.
I won't brag about all the cronuts I've eaten and then tell everyone how mediocre they are.
Noam Galai via Getty Images
It might be true, but, come on.

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