It’s that time again: You’ve carb- and sugar-loaded your way through the rest of the holidays and now you need to make some New Year’s resolutions.
Need some comedic relief as you tell yourself you’ll go to the gym every other day this year? Below, 34 tweets about making and keeping those ambitious promises.
This past year I went to the gym four times, and my New Years resolution is to cut that number in half.
— Alex Wyse (@alexwyse) December 28, 2018
my New Year's resolution is to stop saying "yowza" during intercourse
— Django Gold (@django) December 31, 2018
I am happy that this year I kept my resolution of not being passive aggressive...
— Fr. Goyo (@FrGoyo) December 29, 2018
As opposed to somebody I know!
My New Year’s resolution is 7680×4320.
— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) December 31, 2018
my new years resolution is to come to terms with the fact that John Mayer is in his 40s
— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) December 23, 2018
2019 New Year's resolution: no more bangs. please.
— Louise (@lsmrfl) December 27, 2018
I'm trying to complete my 2018 New Year's resolution list. To sum it up, I have 25 hours to lose 38 pounds. Serious suggestions only, please.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 30, 2018
My New Year’s Resolution is to leaving out words in my Tweets
— Michael Eisen (@mbeisen) December 31, 2018
i think a great new years resolution would be for people to learn what eyebrows are supposed to look like before they draw them on their face.
— cypher nought (@letstrytomorrow) December 27, 2018
my resolution for 2019 is to refer to myself less often as "trash" and more often as "recycling" because at least my nonsense is eco-friendly and sustainable
— emma lord (@dilemmalord) December 28, 2018
My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.
— Dysfunction Jct (@mjs03093641) December 28, 2018
One of my New Years resolutions is to give off more BDE and also more HGE (horse girl energy)
— Adam Rippon (@Adaripp) December 29, 2018
My daughter: "Daddy, you have a very big tummy. Like Peppa's Daddy."
— Peter Shankman (@petershankman) December 29, 2018
Me: "you're comparing me to Daddy Pig?"
Daughter: "yes."
Well... My resolution to not eat at all throughout 2019 has just been made much easier. pic.twitter.com/56UsNBvuuo
my new year’s resolution is to have healthier thought patterns bc as of right now someone can text me “ok” instead of “ok!” & i’ll be in my head assuming they hate me and are praying for my untimely demise
— ellie (@holy_schnitt) December 28, 2018
my new years resolution is to never find out what bird box is
— maura quint (@behindyourback) December 29, 2018
New year new me
— JAMES ᴮᵁᵀ ᴳᴬᵞ (@jamesxingleton) December 26, 2018
New year new m
New year new
New year ne
New year n
New year
New yea
New ye
New y
New
Ne
N
Ne
Nev
Neve
Never
Never m
Never mi
Never min
Never mind
Never mind f
Never mind fo
Never mind forg
Never mind forge
Never mind forget
Never mind forget i
Never mind forget it
RESOLUTIONS:
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) December 30, 2018
- find source of "the smell"
- do more twitter
- file 2008-2016 taxes
- reclaim shower from raccoons
- no more mr. two pubes
I guess my grandma just made my New Years resolution for me pic.twitter.com/uDqG3XbRVJ
— George Hart (@hartattack99) December 30, 2018
My New Years resolution is to convince as many people as possible that “hillbilly” is short for “mountain William”
— emma 💥 (@e_tny) December 27, 2018
My New Year’s resolution is to be less of an outright bitch and more of a secret bitch.
— Martha Kelly (@MarthaKelly3) December 31, 2018
My wife asked me what my New Years resolution is going to be. I shrugged.
— Jeremy Babineaux (@Jbabs001) December 30, 2018
My wife said that her New Years resolution is for her to eat “clean”, which means she has decided that my New Years resolution is also going to be that I eat “clean.”
New Years Resolution: find out what’s in pop tarts
— Timothy Granaderos (@TGranaderos) December 26, 2018
My New Year's resolution is to be more efficient. So I'm giving up on it right now instead of wasting all January acting like I can achieve it.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) December 30, 2018
I kept Last Years’ Resolutions!
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) December 31, 2018
- don’t get pregnant
- always return my shopping cart
They’re the same every year.
My only resolution for 2019: to stop dating men who have the emotional intelligence of a baked potato
— Andrew (@andrew_heying) December 30, 2018
My resolution: Bring ska back in 2019
— Steve Kovach (@stevekovach) December 31, 2018
My resolution for 2019 is to do so much yoga that my friends start to hate me for it
— Megan MacKay, the new year's baby (@mmmegan) December 29, 2018
Me in 2019: New year new me!!
— Billy Lewis (@billy_lewis19) December 30, 2018
Also me: pic.twitter.com/8yHW2hJu8n
looking forward to ruining new year’s eve by telling everyone my resolution is to not have any of my parents die
— mr grace mugabe (@mattvbrady) December 24, 2018
Still rocking out my only successful New Year’s resolution, now over three years old: when I wake up in the night and need to go to the bathroom, I gotta do it RIGHT AWAY, no dawdling and wondering if I REALLY need to, and this has brought me a lot of satisfaction.
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) December 22, 2018
My New Years Resolution's to keep kicking ass & taking names because detailed record-keeping is important.
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) December 30, 2018
My New Year’s resolution is to have eyebrows as symmetrical as a Wes Anderson movie
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 31, 2018
I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I think my New Year’s Resolution is to spend most of 2019 in a kaftan.
— Vikki Stone (@vikkistone) December 31, 2018
My resolution for 2019 is to eat less spiders in my sleep.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) December 19, 2018
