To all BoE employees and volunteers:
To avoid a repeat of the disastrous primary season we encountered during the 2016 election cycle, the New York Board of Elections has put together this memo ahead of our 2020 campaign that must be adhered to at all times during the execution of polling location duties. Failure to comply with the policies laid out herein will result in immediate termination and permanent removal from all future Board of Elections full-time or volunteer posts.
Set Multiple Alarm Clocks: All poll workers are required to set five alarm clocks, staggered at least five minutes apart, on a device not entirely dependent on main power grid electricity, such as a cell phone. This device should probably be placed a sufficient distance from the bed so that getting up to turn the alarm off is a necessity. Use something loud and obnoxious for the alarm tone, too. Wind chimes and harps aren't doing anyone any favors. If you do oversleep, please have a backup for your position available to contact if they might be able to respond more quickly. Otherwise, report to your polling location as soon as you can. Be apologetic and professional to the line of voters wrapped around the city block.
YES - "I apologize for the delay, we are working to get things moving as quickly as possible now."
NO - "Deal with it, hosers. It's not like your votes count anyway." *paper shredder noises*
Avoid Wicked Benders the Night Before: Poll workers will be expected to have a blood alcohol level at least 50% below the legal limit and be capable of functioning without dark sunglasses while on polling location premises. Our auditors will also be spot-checking polling sites, at random, to perform drug testing on workers, provided our auditors hear their own alarm clocks over the blaring EDM music they have left running after passing out/crashing during their wicked bender the night before. But they do government audits for a living, so please let them have this.
Be Equipped for the Job: If you are in charge of setting up a polling location, we would like to remind all 2020 staffers that the following items are typically considered to be non-negotiable in properly carrying out your site's primary function:
- Registration Forms
- The Names of Registered Voters
- Voting Machines
As we all learned last time, failure to provide any of these materials has been shown to have a severely detrimental effect on the efficiency of the voting process.
Be Prepared for Anything: We are all human, and we here at the BoE appreciate that mistakes do happen. If you find that you, or your good-for-nothing co-volunteers, have forgotten to bring something critical to allowing your fellow New Yorkers carry out their most inherent duty as Americans, or if your voting machines experience a sudden* malfunction, there are backup plans in place. Please pass out provisional ballots to all eligible and specially designated ineligible voters, and assure them that unless your district has been specifically earmarked for disenfranchisement, their votes will most certainly be counted sometime prior to the 2022 mid-term elections.
If you have also forgotten the provisional ballots, verify that you at least remembered to put pants on in your hurry to get out the door after oversleeping, then contact your district office and a courier will be sent. Please indicate, at this time, if pants are also required.
We would also like to take this moment to remind anyone who was also involved in the 2016 election that "tearing up a Chinese takeout menu and having everyone write their votes on the pieces, then putting them in a fish bowl" is not a methodology that the Federal Election Commission recognizes as valid.
The Delete Key is Not Your Friend: When accessing the voter database to query up the voters who will be casting ballots in your location, please keep in mind that you are in live data. Do not delete anything without express prior permission. Do not cut and paste anything. Do not accidentally overwrite 100,000 Brooklyn voters with your Buffy/Spike fan fiction. We're not covering for you with the mayor again this year, Steve! No matter how awesome that scene in the Slayer Academy is!
Activate Your Suppression Software: All polling sites this year have been equipped with WiFi running state of the art MockingTweet technology, which redirects anyone on the network to a false Twitter interface, giving them all the satisfaction of complaining about our gross incompetence on social media, without actually uploading anything. We estimate that this will reduce media outrage by 87%, and our chances of being sued or executed by the governor by a similar margin. Studies indicate that with the new American attention span now clocking in at less than 3.8 seconds, by the time they realize that these tweets never hit the internet, they will have forgotten why they were angry in the first place. Did you guys see this video of a cat playing the violin? Man, this is great.
Work Smarter, Not Harder: After a long, sometimes harrowing day of assisting voters, everyone wants to go home on time. But everyone who was in line prior to the polls closing at 9PM is legally allowed to remain in line and vote, no matter how long that takes. Disallowing these late voters opens us up to all manner of liability, unless they get out of line of their own free will. Like, say, if the sprinklers next to the queue suddenly turned on, or a man in a hockey mask wielding a chainsaw were to charge the crowd. Not that either of those things are likely, of course. We're just saying...
Above all else, be proud of your role in obstructing American democracy in the way pre-determined by our existing government to be best for the people, and have fun out there.
BoE Memo Drone #894738
* - Please remember to check your registered BoE email account to verify this is not an officially sanctioned malfunction, first. If so, initiate Protocol 83. Your family will be compensated once the investigation is completed.