NEWSFLASH: Al Gore Awarded MacArthur "Genius" Grant!

The International Olympics Committee has also decided to award Marion Jones' five returned medals retroactively to Al, pending a steroids test, just in case.
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The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation named Al Gore a belated recipient of a 2007 MacArthur Fellowship, the so-called "Genius Grant." A spokesperson for the Foundation explained, "We wanted to wait until after the Nobel Peace Prize was announced before we went public with Al Gore as a late addition to our Fellows Program."

Later in the day, Al Gore, on a sheer whim, bought a Megamillions Powerball lottery ticket--and won! He is splitting the $237 million with Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, whose lucky numbers came up for the fourth time.

To celebrate his incredible good fortune, Al Gore went golfing with Tiger Woods--and miraculously scored a hole-in-one on the 18th hole to beat Tiger by a single stroke.

The Rose Bowl Committee just announced that Al would be the Grand Marshall of the Parade this year.

The NCAA also announced that, under a little-known loophole in the regulations, Al's actually in the running this year for the Heisman Trophy.

Earth in the Balance just won a Pulitzer, by the way. Better yet, Oprah's Book Club is reading it. It just hit #1 on

Al Gore has been included as a late addition to ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Reportedly the salsa competition is his to lose.

The International Olympics Committee has decided to award Marion Jones' five returned medals retroactively to Al Gore, pending a steroids test, just in case.

The International Tennis Federation has declared that, after winning the U.S. presidential popular vote, an Oscar, and a Nobel, Al Gore will be eligible for a Grand Slam if he wins just one men's doubles competition in the upcoming season.

The Harvard Hasty Pudding Theatricals has named Al Gore Man of the Year (utterly predictable). Naomi Wolf has agreed to advise him on how to dress as an Alpha Male in drag (think earth tones).

Turns out that Al Gore has won the Scripps National Spelling Bee competition in the "55-59" age bracket. Along the way he correctly spelled stratocracy, refractoriness, mendacious, and childrens.

Word on the street is that Al can beat Deep Fritz at chess, solve Rubik's Cube in 9.26 seconds (blindfolded), and do 150 one-arm push-ups. An entire chapter of the Guinness Book of World Records is now devoted to his feats.

Smart money says that Al's a cinch for Time Magazine's Man of the Year, a Philip Burke drawing on the cover of Rolling Stone, and an Annie Leibovitz photo spread in Vanity Fair. George Clooney and Richard Gere are fighting for the Gore role in the upcoming movie version of Al's life.

In Vegas, Al recently rolled 7s, pulled three cherries, drew four aces--and scored front row tickets to a Prince concert.

Last night Al's postprandial fortune cookie read, "Great success is yours for the asking."

Al, can't you see a trend here? You're on a roll...

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