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NFL Week 9 - Tweet Dreams

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Hypothetical tweets from real NFL figures!

@JayCutler6 Customs asked me if I had anything to declare. I told them, "Yes - my offensive line is a joke." #turnstiles

@shawnemerriman We were stopped at the Canadian border and accused of trying to smuggle a victory back into the U.S. #nothappening

@ChrisCanty99 The over/under is 10 on the number of times our defense sacks Charlie Whitehurst. #turfnose

@MilesAustinIII At least we didn't sign @r81m (Randy Moss). #noIinteam

@7mvick (Michael Vick) Hey Philly, what's up? The Michael Vick experience is back! #andsoismcrib

@bbanks16 (Brandon Banks) Does Coach Shanahan really think that JaMarcus Russell can run the two-minute offense better than Donovan McNabb? #weightyissue

@AaronRodgers12 Hmmm, wasn't this game with Dallas supposed to be a preview of the NFC championship game? #howboutthemcowboys

@7tjackson (Tarvarius Jackson) We're playing Arizona - one of the few teams with a worse situation at quarterback than we have. #takingitonthechin

@jschwartzlions (Jim Schwartz) Tell Rex Ryan that even though his team is 5-2, they've been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. #fuzzymath

@TGonzalez88 (Tony Gonzalez) Michael Turner should have at least 300 yards rushing against Tampa Bay. #itchouldhappen

@EarnestGraham We should have at least 300 yards total offense against Atlanta. #fatchance

@drewbrees The rumors are all true - my leg has been amputated. #stillmightstart

@jonbeason Just to tick off @JimmyClausen I told him that he's not even the best rookie quarterback on our team. #pikespeak

@LarryFitzgerald Coach Whisenhunt should keep me on the sidelines - I'd have a better chance of catching Derek Anderson's passes from there. #outofbounds

@DCarr_5 (David Carr) Are Alex Smith and Troy Smith related? #notexactly

@MardyGilyard Can you believe people still don't take us seriously? #hardtoimagine

@Hasselbeck (Matt Hasselbeck) There's no way I'm starting Charlie Whitehurst for my fantasy football team this week. #nooneelseiseither

@Mark_Sanchez It's a good thing Rex Ryan doesn't get fined for his body language. #timetoeatthedonuts

@brianhartline We're shooting for a wild card berth so that we'll get to play all our playoff games on the road. #watchoutforbedbugs

@GaryGuyton59 Coach Belichick is sending Rex Ryan a gift basket to thank him for cutting Danny Woodhead. #isitedible

@LaMarrWoodley James Harrison wants to know why Keith Olbermann wasn't fined for giving his money away. #suspensionofdisbelief

@RayRice27 Hey Joe Flacco - wasn't this supposed to be a breakout season for you? #fantasyvsreality

@joehaden23 Coach Mangini's worried that Bill Belichick has spies videotaping our practices. #paranormal

@OGOchoCinco We're going to direct snap the ball to @nufced32 (Cedric Benson) every play and use Carson Palmer to block James Harrison. #noints

@VinceYoung10 Hey @r81m (Randy Moss) - Kenny Britt and I are going out tonight - want to join us? #cateredaffair

@RobertMathis98 Let me get this straight - people in Philly boo Santa and cheer @7mvick (Michael Vick)? #insanityclause

@MarcedesLewis89 @davidgarrard9 is one of the most underrated quarterbacks in the NFL. #selectivememory

@briancushing56 I wonder if we can hold Philip Rivers to less than 800 yards passing. #probablynot

@big_cel (Marcel Reese) This is a must-win game for us if we want our next home game to be televised locally. #silverandblackedout

@jcharles25 (Jamaal Charles) None of our players were born yet the last time a Chiefs-Raiders game meant something. #neitherwasmethuselah

@rmathews24 (Ryan Mathews) Our receiving corps is so depleted that we're working on plays where Philip Rivers throws to himself. #dualthreat

@knowshonmoreno Not sure whether Coach McDaniels told us "get over the loss" or "get lost". #probablythelatter