Nike launched on Thursday a commercial featuring Tiger Woods looking mournful, or contrite, or, well, something, on the eve of his return to golfing at the Masters. How the spot, championing and/or denigrating rampant womanizing, would help move Nike product remained oblique at press time.
But on the heels of this groundbreaking spot, which has variously been lauded as brilliant and assailed as creepy (can't it be both?), Nike has responded with yet another transgressive commercial, featuring Jesse James, the biker aficionado and estranged husband of Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, who, in a conveniently obvious pun, was "Blind Sided" by James' rampant infidelities with numerous women who just happened to have lots of tattoos, which finally made the term "tramp stamp" seem a mere nostalgical euphemism.
Herewith, the transcript to Nike's Jesse James commercial:
(FADE IN: On a blank-faced JESSE JAMES. Is he remorseful? Defiant? Or just utterly fucking clueless? We have no idea, because who can figure this dipshit out?)
(On the SOUNDTRACK, Jesse's father, OhPleaseLetItNotBeLebron James, speaks, from the grave - And if he's not dead yet, that's just a formality, because how can a father of a nobody not commit hari kari when his son has fucked up this badly?)
JESSE'S PUTATIVE DAD (VOT): Jesse, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion, to divine what qualifies in your mind as really fine ass.
I want to find out what your thinking was. I want to find out what your feelings are, and, did you learn anything. Because, shit, that woman was worth millions,, and you, you tinker with motorcycles.
Wait - you say your bitches had lots of Nazi tattoos? Well, day-am, man - that shit explains everything. Carry on, son - carry on.