Nip, Tuck, Gas a Car with Human Fat

A plastic surgeon can nip. He can tuck. But he can't fuel a Lincoln Navigator with human fat. But thumbs up for trying to "go green," Dr. Craig Alan Bittner!

Apparently, his Beverly Hills patients provided enough human blubber to power two SUV's. And he bragged about it on his now defunct Web site.

"The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel -- and I have more fat than I can use. Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth," as reported in a 12/26/08 piece.

Wait. His patients made that request? Really? The connection between liposuction and the gas tank is not what I'd think to discuss with my doctor. But then California is always on the cutting edge of new ideas.

Who said the hedonistic don't care about the environment? Welcome a new generation of eco-friendly fat farmers, "liposuctioneers," a new breed of Earth Day heroes.

"Hey, doc, melt down these love handles and fuel up on me."

"Let's have a go at these thunder thighs. I'd like to power a round trip to Ventura."

It puts my own fluorescent light replacements to shame.

For the unfamiliar, bio-diesel fuels derive from vegetable oils or animal fats and can be used to run vehicles outfitted with special fuel tanks and engines. But using human fat? Creepy.

Unless you spend your days hosing it out of people. During a routine liposuction, maybe Dr. Bittner looked through his office window at thousands of cars clogging those California freeways, all of them running on $4/gallon gas prices. Did he top off a plastic medical container with the last of a re-sculpted patient's oily residue and think, "Eureka! Daddy's got a brand new grease car!"

I can only imagine the medical consultation:

Do you have any allergies?

Is there a family history of heart disease?

Got any objection to fat-fueling my Ford?

Oh, I suppose his clientele probably included a number of philanthropic greenies willing to donate blubber to a worthy cause. Waste not. Want not. My goodness, forget wind farms. Get John Goodman on a table.

But alas, surgery for some turned into the Ultimate Green Smack Down.

Lawsuits charging disfigurement claim too much fat was removed from patients' bodies, and that Bittner's girlfriend and assistant performed surgical procedures without a medical license.

Got a little too greedy for free fuel maybe? (SUV's can be grease guzzlers.)

The raw material of Dr. Bittner's very own "lipo-diesel" is illegally used medical waste and his Beverly Hills Liposculpture offices were closed down in November by the Health Department.

Tummy tuck to tank? A no-no. Pirated "booty" is not an alternative energy source. But taking a bio-diesel direction had its bright side. At least he didn't open a restaurant.

Perhaps Dr. Bittner was ahead of his time, and right now he appears to be ahead of the long, fat-free arm of the law. Reports claim he has fled to Colombia. In the future perhaps rich and fleshy South Americans will gladly de-grease under his expert hand. Forget cocaine. This visionary may be crowned king of a new Lipo-Cartel.